Text: Lamentations 1:12-22, Psalm 51:7-10
“He that is jealous is not in love”
– Saint Augustine
What I am about to share is not something I am not proud of. As a matter of fact, it takes courage for me to even admit that a superficial struggle consumed me for years, challenging and endangering my relationship with my sister. It was only through my tears of repentance that God’s grace and forgiveness set me free… and set my sister free.
I was so jealous of my sister. She is smart, tiny in stature, has an amazing husband and beautiful children. What I was most jealous of was her outward appearance. In my eyes she radiated outward beauty, the beauty seen on runways, in movies and magazines. Thin is in, and I despised going shopping with my sister as she picked out her size one while I sheepishly pulled double digits off the rack. It was so superficial, and yet the grip jealousy had on me was suffocating. It seeped into my envy of her two homes and her ability to have children. My sin was really ugly and blocked my ability to love her.
The jealousy seed took root when we were teenagers. Years later, the right conditions sprouted the destructive weeds of bitterness, distance, and a mean spirit. Like the writer of Lamentations, my sin had formed a yoke around my neck (Lam. 1:14) — my outward actions hurt my sister and my inward battle was torturous.
God was at work cleaning my prideful heart, exposing the raw places that were keeping me entangled in my own mess. He was renewing my spirit.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
– Psalm 51:10, ESV
Everything changed when my sister and her daughter visited for a week to help in the care of my newborn son. Each day she would disappear for hours on a run. I was left caring for my newborn and my six year old niece. This was not my idea of help. She felt distant, both physically and emotionally.
We went to lunch at one of my favorite cafés and I watched her push food around her plate, barely eating. I saw for the first time that my sister was weak, broken, unhealthy, and struggling with control because her life was out of control. Anorexia had gripped her.
“Do you love yourself?” I asked.
She sat silently. “I’m not sure.”
“Do you know God loves you?”
Silence.
Outwardly my sister was withering away and inwardly was frail. She was just like me.
The grip of jealously loosened and was replaced with an overwhelming sense of God’s compassion and love. God had to convict me of my sin before I could come alongside my sister and help point her to God’s unfailing love. She desperately needed Jesus and I shared.
Left alone, sin will strangle the life out of our heart and soul. It debilitates, destroys, and divides. The tighter the grip, the less we can breathe to sustain the inward and outward life.
Repent and God will renew a right spirit within you. He will wash you whiter than snow. The triune God breathes life into our sin-gripped hearts, freeing us from sin’s bondage with His forgiveness that transforms us from the inside out.
“But we cannot escape the embarrassment of standing stark naked before God. It is no use our trying to cover up like Adam and Eve in the garden. Our attempts at self-justification are as ineffectual as their fig-leaves. We have to acknowledge our nakedness, see the divine substitute wearing our filthy rags instead of us, and allow him to clothe us with his own righteousness.”
– John Stott
Wow, this was such a timely devotion, as just earlier tonight, I felt myself full of jealousy towards my sister. I didn’t want to feel the jealousy, but I did. Please Lord, help me to take the focus off of me and put the focus on you, and your plans, amen
This post really hit home for me. I’m not sure how to label my sin other than an issue with pride, but I almost want people to be jealous. I crave the positive affirmation that I’m doing good or that I’m pretty or thin or smart. Anytime I’ve ever been hurt I’ve held on to it and I constantly want to make myself that much smarter or thinner or prettier. It’s such an ugly thing and so hard on relationships and a losing battle as time passes and I see first hand that these things are temporal. I feel like I know the right answer, that my mind needs to be filled with scripture and prayer rather than myself, yet I still wallow with my constant me, me, me. I want to change so much and be the kind of kingdom minded daughter and wife and mom that the Lord wants me to be.
On of the best ways to fight pride is by asking God to make you humble. As I struggled with this the Lord asked me to pray, “God, please make me humble.” He is faithful and will take you and make you new.
I am with you, Sarah. I will pray for you!
Thank you!
I’m having troubles understanding these Lamentations passages from yesterday and today. I’m not sure of the context. Any ideas?
Work has been a source of bitterness and anger. My heart takes hold of that while I’m there and I become something hard. Lord clean my heart, fill it with your love and peace, and protect it from outside attacks. Thank you for taking on my sin and giving me your righteousness.
Really needed to read these words today. I’ve felt consumed by my anger lately. It’s a new feeling for me, but apparently I’ve embraced it because I find myself getting angry at my anger! I feel desperate for freedom because I see how it effects my relationships but anger is so sneaky. Thank you for reminding me that God does not withhold good things. He is working for our joy! He is exposing the raw places that are keeping me in my own mess, but that’s not all!! He is renewing a right spirit within me. He does not break us to leave us, but is faithful to bring to completion the good work he started (Phil.1:6)
I have been so focused on what I need to do lately, instead of letting God work in my life and doing his will. It has been really hard with finals coming in two weeks, I just focus too hard on what I need to do. And often times I do not ask God what he wants me to do or what his plans are for me. Today reading Psalm 51 was a great reminder to let God make my plans and to focus on him. He will ckeanse my heart of being selfish and renew his spirit within me.
Lam 1:19 “I called to my lovers, but they deceived me”. She had sought for pleasure, purpose, fulfillment illicitly. Looked for someone other than God to fill her. And it had worked. For a season. But now they had deserted her. And left her empty and broken. Without hope. Fainting. And despairing.
Amen!