Text: Song of Songs 2:8-17, Isaiah 62:5, Ephesians 5:31-33
I had a death grip on my husband for the first decade of our marriage. So desperate was my craving to see us through “till death do us part” that I white-knuckled it in our relationship. I was determined to hold on tight enough for both of us.
But I could never fully grasp the security I craved so deeply. Holding on that tightly squeezed the love and fun out of our relationship.
Since marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and the Church, this approach to covenant love has also caused strain in my relationship with Jesus. Always secretly fearful that He would change His mind about me, I have tried to keep us glued together with works well done and duties faithfully fulfilled.
But as desperation and anxiety couldn’t bolt the door on my marriage, striving couldn’t make Jesus love me more. Through years of tender care and collisions with His Word, I am learning that security flows out of devoted love, not anxious control.
In Song of Songs, Shulamith is the soon-to-be bride of wise King Solomon, and she has her own need for security. Right before the wedding, she says these words:
“My love is mine and I am his.”
– Song of Songs 2:16
But, as Shulamith and Solomon’s love story unfolds, her tone begins to shift. After the wedding she says, “I am my love’s, and my love is mine” (6:3). Then, as Shulamith and Solomon mature into an old, married couple, she says, “I am my love’s and his desire is for me” (7:10).
Let’s drag a magnifying glass over this subtle progression.
At first, Shulamith’s security is found in knowing that her man belongs to her. Her possession of him is primary; his possession of her is secondary. (As I’ve already mentioned, I’ve seen what this looks like in real life. It’s not pretty.) Then, after the wedding, Shulamith’s possession of Solomon was secondary: “I am my love’s, and my love is mine.” And finally, it’s gone altogether: “his desire is for me.”
It took decades for the bride in this story to understand that her security did not come from her possession of her groom, but from his devoted love to her.
Song of Songs is much more than a human love story. As is the case throughout Scripture, God uses marriage as an illustration for the love between Himself and His people. God is always represented by the groom and we are always the bride. His love hinges on His faithfulness, not ours.
Erin Davis is an author, blogger, and speaker who loves to see women of all ages run to the deep well of God’s Word. When she’s not writing, you can find Erin chasing chickens and children on her small farm in the Midwest.
My mind is blown! The knowledge that my security in my relationship doesn’t come from binding on to Matthew but in trusting his love for me! Not worrying that if I do t so enough of say enough he may stray but TRUSTING him when he says he loves me! In turn not judging my relationship with Christ by my works or lack there of. Instead in TRUSTING that when God says he loves me … that means he does now, tomorrow, and forever :)!
Love this!
I needed this today. What joy it brings in my life when I let go and stop striving to gain aproval of those who I know already love me unconditionally. Working to try and “gain” their love (or “more” love from them) is wearing, hurtful and unnecessary. Do I not trust their love for me? I sure act like i don’t when I work so hard as if it’s up to me. :(
People’s love is not perfect. But instead of trying to make it “perfect”, I should forgive/pass-by/cover those times when their love doesn’t look just like the way I wanted it to look. I cannot let selfishness ruin my relationships.
I must keep a joyful attitude and look at the best in people!
Hi my name is Lex and I am 20 years old. I am in a fairly new committed relationship with a man God has spoken to me about. He is not perfect, but he is a blessing. I struggle with idea of death gripping this relationship. I know I’m not married, and maybe I might not marry this man currently in my life. But…in preparations for marriage I am learning and want to continue to grow in this aspect of “letting go my grip.” Im so excited to see where this study goes and how God speaks to me.
Something that took me more than a decade to understand: I was waiting for the PERFECT man and ended up looking in wrong places, always disappointed. However, it is more important to find the one that is PERFECT FOR YOU, even when deeply (and humanly!) flawed.
Hi, Lex! I am in the same situation as you. I am in a very committed relationship with a man whom my heart and soul loves. However, I constantly find myself worrying and fretting over the idea that death might tragically end our relationship. I just wanted to reply to let you know that you are not alone and that I believe that God is using us in valuable ways! I think He’ll have a lot to say to us through this study.
Hi Lex! My Fiancé and I have had to face this demon down many times. Matthew has an enlarged blood vessel in his brain. So the threat of an aneurism or the constant headaches he gets have put us both in tears. It’s so scary when you love someone with your whole heart it’s terrifying to think of loosing them. I’ll admit that it’s gotten the better of me many times. But God always whispers to me that he has a plan. That if he starts something good He WILL complete it. So, although I am completely human and constantly need God to repeat himself … I living everyday I have with my fiancé the way God wants me to live it. Loving Matthew unconditionally and serving God with my whole heart. I hope this helps. God Bless,
Aly
As a full-time active duty service woman, mama and wife I STRIVE daily in so many aspects of my daily life which leaves me feeling anxious and controlling. Like Erin I too have a death grip on my marriage and family constantly micromanaging everything they do. It’s so stressful and I tell myself that I’m doing it out of love but how can I be? Everything Erin wrote hit home for me but what truly stood out to me was when she said “striving couldn’t make Jesus love me anymore” I STRIVE to be closer to Jesus desperately seeking that connection with him and craving the same thing in my marriage from my husband. I don’t have to fight for Jesus’s love, time and affection. Why do I (we) need to fight with our husbands for their, time and affection. The issue isn’t the lack of love from my hubby but the other things. I think my marriage is mirroring my relationship with Christ how do I fix that?
I can totally relate to where you – and am still working through it. As women – moms, wives we try and control because if outcome is not good we believe it is direct reflection of who we are and our failures . Not true ! God has His Will for us – we have to be open to what He is doing In-N-Out families and in our lives and join Him. A daily reliance on Him – talking with your husband about the struggle you feel – I am reading phenomenal book that helps to relate the two that Has been life changing for me – the Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller. How our relations with with Jesus and our spouse coincide – and where the truth is – not what society and we believe is a success !
I read the 5 love languages, and one of the tools he suggested was to imagine you have a love tank, like a gas tank. It can be empty, full or in between and needs to be replenished regularly. Being aware of how loved I feel has helped me see how that impacts my actions, helps me ask for love when I need it, and helps me understand what love satisfies the most. This has helped me loosen up my grip on my relationships a little bit, because I have to admit my needs, and let’s the other person (God or my fiancé) fill them. Hope it helps!
I too struggle with accepting the Love of the Father. I find myself working so hard just hoping HE is pleased with the work. I know in my head the truth and speak it often to others. But in the honest moments, it is a thought that plagues my mind. Great reminder this morning!
My security lies not in my love for him but in His devoted love for me….wow, what a freeing and mind-blowing concept. I would have never gotten that from Song of Solomon but what a beautiful picture. This completely transforms the way I look at not only my marriage but my relationship with God. Thank you! And praise God that when my security is in His love, I can be confident it will never fail!
Amen :)
This post really struck me this morning. I grew up watching my mama feign security through control… bless her heart, she had the most imperfect set of circumstances that left her feeling like control was the only way she could have security… but, unfortunately for me, that was how I thought it was done. So… that’s how my marriage and my relationship with Jesus started out. In my marriage, I held on too tight, and I wasn’t able to enjoy my sweet man… and I had no reason to hold on so tight… I had no reason to not trust!! With Jesus, I just never felt like I was good enough, and of course I wasn’t, but I wasn’t really grasping that it wasn’t about me. I have learned, and I am still learning, so much; but I can say, by God’s grace, my mindset has changed and I have learned how to let go. I won’t say I’m always good at letting go, but I do much better than I used to. And… God is using what He’s teaching me to teach my mama.
Cheri! Beautiful words! Thank you for sharing!