Text: Song of Songs 2:8-17, Isaiah 62:5, Ephesians 5:31-33
I had a death grip on my husband for the first decade of our marriage. So desperate was my craving to see us through “till death do us part” that I white-knuckled it in our relationship. I was determined to hold on tight enough for both of us.
But I could never fully grasp the security I craved so deeply. Holding on that tightly squeezed the love and fun out of our relationship.
Since marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and the Church, this approach to covenant love has also caused strain in my relationship with Jesus. Always secretly fearful that He would change His mind about me, I have tried to keep us glued together with works well done and duties faithfully fulfilled.
But as desperation and anxiety couldn’t bolt the door on my marriage, striving couldn’t make Jesus love me more. Through years of tender care and collisions with His Word, I am learning that security flows out of devoted love, not anxious control.
In Song of Songs, Shulamith is the soon-to-be bride of wise King Solomon, and she has her own need for security. Right before the wedding, she says these words:
“My love is mine and I am his.”
– Song of Songs 2:16
But, as Shulamith and Solomon’s love story unfolds, her tone begins to shift. After the wedding she says, “I am my love’s, and my love is mine” (6:3). Then, as Shulamith and Solomon mature into an old, married couple, she says, “I am my love’s and his desire is for me” (7:10).
Let’s drag a magnifying glass over this subtle progression.
At first, Shulamith’s security is found in knowing that her man belongs to her. Her possession of him is primary; his possession of her is secondary. (As I’ve already mentioned, I’ve seen what this looks like in real life. It’s not pretty.) Then, after the wedding, Shulamith’s possession of Solomon was secondary: “I am my love’s, and my love is mine.” And finally, it’s gone altogether: “his desire is for me.”
It took decades for the bride in this story to understand that her security did not come from her possession of her groom, but from his devoted love to her.
Song of Songs is much more than a human love story. As is the case throughout Scripture, God uses marriage as an illustration for the love between Himself and His people. God is always represented by the groom and we are always the bride. His love hinges on His faithfulness, not ours.
Erin Davis is an author, blogger, and speaker who loves to see women of all ages run to the deep well of God’s Word. When she’s not writing, you can find Erin chasing chickens and children on her small farm in the Midwest.
“…I am learning that security flows from devoted love, not anxious control.”
This hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I frequently find myself controlling things around me for my anxiety about the unknown. I will not find seciurity in micromanaging all aspects of my life, but will find the security I long for by wholly trusting the Lord with the plans he has for my life. I am grateful to serve a God who never loses hope on me and shows me the most amazing unconditional love!
Yes! This is what stuck out to me as well. You expressed it well.
Thank you for your comment it resonated with me as well.
Wow, how powerful! I understand that “death grip” on relationships, especially my marriage. The Lord has blessed me with an incredibly patient, faithful man and a very happy marriage, but I somehow manage to work myself into fits of anxiety when I feel out of control. I have daily struggles with anxiety in every aspect of my life, but I can see it creeping into my marriage as well. For example, I have started to feel very anxious on our date nights because I feel like he won’t find me as interesting as he used to since I don’t have much to say that he doesn’t already know. I am letting my need for control make me anxious instead of resting in the assurance of his devotion to me.
“Always secretly fearful that He would change His mind about me, I have tried to keep us glued together with works well done and duties faithfully fulfilled.”
Wow. This was me for so many years. I spent so many years doubting my salvation and doing more and more “stuff” in hopes of pleasing God, but not doing what He truly desires of me – spending time in His presence. Only now am I finally learning that “security flows out of devoted love, not anxious control.” Now, the works that I do are rooted in my love and devotion to God, and not an attempt to earn the salvation that could never be earned to begin with.
I am so grateful for God’s patience and love towards me as I made (and continue to make) this transition. I’m so glad He didn’t give up on me, and that He always knew what I didn’t – that I am His and He is mine.
I am having trouble understanding the shift from primary to secondary, it seems her statement is the same “my love is mine.” Can anyone shed some light on this for me?
I think it just which way around both sentences are. First it’s my beloved is mine and I am his. Then it’s I am my beloved’s and he is mine. She is less focused in having him as hers.
God’s love for me hinges on his faithfulness, not my own. What a sweet sweet thought this is .
I wasn’t really sure about doing this study cuz I didn’t really feel anything pulling me in like most of them do. But I did it anyway because I’m really spending this year focusing on dedicated daily studies. I’m really glad I did because the line “security flows out of devoted love, not anxious control” really jumped out at me. I’ve been struggling lately with issues of rejection and I’ve taken steps to figure out which parts are actually just me worrying too much about things I don’t need to worry about. This definitely helped with that.
I posted a little Valentines Day post for all my wonderful sister here in this community and for anyone you may know who might need a little encouragement:)
@amor_colombiana
Love this song by Ellie Holcomb!! You are Loved: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZUqg0oLjOM
Have to remember that Jesus’ love hinges on His faithfulness, not ours!!!! Wow
Yes, this song has been speaking to me big time lately! Check out “wonderfully made” as well.
The verse “Arise my darling, come away my beautiful one” jumped out and grabbed my heart. What a beautiful picture of the pursuit of Jesus. I was dead in my sin and he called me beautiful, gave me life and asked me to follow him. We are loved, rejoiced over and redeemed. Praise His name.