The ring was a symbol and a lie. “A symbol of your purity,” my parents said as they gave it to me, and a lie because I knew what my fumbling hands and the hands of another had already enacted. As long as I wore that ring I felt like a fraud, telling a story that wasn’t true about my heart, my body, and my intentions.
I had made no promise to wait for sex until marriage. The promise, like the ring, was hoisted on me by well meaning but misguided parents, leaders, and teachers. I thought waiting looked like white-knuckled and gritting determination. And by my late teens or early twenties, waiting for marriage was equated with “[burning] with desire” (1Corinthians 7:9). I did not understand that purity is a gift from God to me—not a gift for me to give to Him. And I did not understand that chastity was a spiritual discipline, not a rote one born of shame and demand and the seeds of legalism.
Chastity is only truly practiced by one whose spirit is alive with Christ, whose restraint is empowered by the Holy Spirit. It is not and cannot be produced in someone who is merely there for the show. It is not proven by signing cards promising to wait for sex until marriage, nor by wearing a purity ring or a bride wearing white on her wedding day.
Chastity is practiced by a person who makes a habit of presenting their body again and again and again, “as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God” (Romans 12:1), and as an act of worship to the God who made their body, loves their body, and cares deeply about their body. It is practiced both inside marriage and outside it, both in the avoidance of sex and in the participation of it within marriage. It is not something one loses when they enter into marriage, but it is something one carries with them. Chastity is as necessary for life and godliness as goodness, faithfulness, kindness, and joy.
I wear a different ring these days, a small rose gold one with a beryl stone within it. It communicates a promise of fidelity, service, and love to my husband. But it also communicates to me that I am not released from a practice of chastity simply because I wear this wedding ring and sex is permissable. I still practice the discipline of chastity, of asking the Spirit to help counter sexual thoughts that have no place in our marriage, of making a practice of saying “Yes,” in marriage instead of “No” (1Corinthians 7:2–7), of recognizing and submitting to what is beneficial instead of being mastered by desires and thoughts (1Corinthians 6:12–20), and of bearing the fruit of the Spirit in all its forms in our marriage.
Before committing to wait for true love, one must know they are truly loved by God. We need to know that His Spirit is there to help us in our weaknesses and to empower us to walk in all that He has for us.
I loved today’s reading!!! It was very healing for me!! I am one of those people that has experienced sexual abuse, multiple times, throughout my life. I used to think it was my fault, that there was something wrong with me, because why else would I keep find this happening to me?!! God has shown me different though!!!
Some of my story.. I was told by family members who, at a young age, I looked up to as strong men of God that I was lascivious, in other words, I was causing them to sin, and that I should cover myself up with baggy clothes. I didn’t realize it at the time (I was only 10) but what they said revealed more about themselves and the sin they were allowing to run them, than it did with me, actually it had nothing to do with me!! I did however allow that thought process of “I’m a stumbling block and need to cover myself up” come in and rule my life though… I went from being completely and innocently unaware to now being very self conscious. I didn’t want to mess up or mess anyone else up. So I lived my life walking on eggshells… I completely devoted myself to God, to reading the Word and living my life as purely as I knew how to… but my view of God was warped. I saw Him standing over me with a whip waiting for me to mess up or mess someone else up. I felt shame all the time!! I covered it up by building walls, by having strong spiritual convictions (which included purity rings and judgements) I covered it by knowing scripture, and what I thought was the character of God. I kept myself very distant, especially from men. And I found identity in characters from books and scriptures I read. No one knew about my sexual abuse, except my parents, who didn’t talk extensively about it with me… I was so young, only 4 when I was first abused (babysitter) …my parents who were and are super supportive didn’t want my life or identity to be defined by that moment. But what they didn’t know, because I didn’t talk about it, was that I continued to be abused by this same man (he lived up the road from my cousins, where we spent a lot of time) he continually sought me out and even used me to introduce some of his friends to the world of pedophilia.. I hid this deep deep down and refused to even acknowledge to myself that it happened!! I was so scared… I didn’t want to disappoint God. So I shut that part of myself away. I only acknowledged the good things. Never even looked at the bad things under the surface. ….all this to say that I used God, His word, and the action of purity/chastity as a place to hide!! So many people in my life looked up to me and complimented me, because I was so devoted to the Lord, and I was.. as much as I knew how to be.. but what people didn’t know was that I was hiding, too afraid to acknowledge or face the things that had happened to me. Chastity became a place of comfort for me. Something I could use as an excuse (and an ego feeder) so I didn’t have to deal with things. …it took YEARS and multiple other forms of sexual abuse and assaults for me to finally come to a place of complete and utter brokenness. I never allowed myself to feel emotions, except for happy ones, but it wasn’t until I was completely broken that I truly saw myself the way God sees me!!! There was counseling and therapy… which HELPED so much!!!! But the real healing came when my view of God changed!!! I no longer saw Him standing over me with a whip waiting for me to mess up, but I saw Him crying and pleading with me!!! He was there, through EVERY SINGLE abuse and assault!!! He knew my heart was to save myself for marriage and He HONORED that, even though I had a skewed view of what that looked like, he still honored my hearts desire!!!! Ladies, I am still a virgin, the men who tried to rape me have for some reason always given up or let me go before penetrating!!!! That right there is a MIRACLE!!!! God is SO FAITHFUL to honor our hearts desires, even if they aren’t quite “right” God sees our hearts and HONORS us wanting to give Glory to Him. So, if you’re struggling, or if you relate to this even a little bit, keep pursuing GOD!!! Let HIM be your focus, be HONEST with Him and yourself. Let GOD heal and touch those places that so desperately need to be touched and acknowledged. It’s not fun, but it is SOOOO worth it!!! Thank you Father for showing me that purity and chastity have more to do with my relationship with you than with anything or anyone else!!! Love you Jesus!!!
…and for those of you wondering… I am a single 40year old, who no longer hides, is not defined by the things that have happened, who sees God in the midst of horror, and who still believes that God honors our hearts desires no matter where we’re at!! I live every moment THANKFUL to God for the journey He has me on.. here’s to all our journey’s and to seeing ourselves though the eyes of God!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I’m pregnant with our second baby, a little girl! And this devotional had given me so much to think about when raising two young children to grow and live their lives honoring to the Lord. Sometimes I get worried when I think about what the world will look like when they’re coming into that age of wonder and desire. How will my husband and I protect and encourage them to lead lives of purity and to hold out for their own spouse? I think that begins now. I am trying to make a more conscious effort of praying, not just for my children’s purity but for their future spouse’s purity as well (years and years from now!)
This was so beautifully written, Lore. The comments have made me reflect on my own path to marriage (with plenty of “blurs” of the lines we drew along the way). We waited, but it wasn’t out of our desire to honor God with our bodies (as we had gotten about as close to the line as we could), but rather to prove to people that we could (and would) make it after almost five years of dating—can you say “prideful”?!
The beauty and joy of our relationship with Christ is that it is forever ongoing. There were so many times in which I felt as though I was drowning in my own desires for my now husband, and to look and see that Jesus walked beside me as I wrestled and fought and relented and fought again shows me that He really is in it for the long haul. It’s the fight that matters. It’s the desire within you to come to the feet of Jesus every time you feel like you’ve overstepped, even in the midst of overwhelming shame. He knows our hearts. He knows our desires. He KNOWS. Thank you, Jesus, for walking this road with me and allowing me to struggle. Hallelujah that I am free to struggle, but may I always be struggling to get back to You.
Hi Rose, I don’t know how to respond directly to you but I hope you see it. I feel the same way as a 21 year old girl. I don’t have much advice, as I am still trying to figure myself out, but I did want to say that you are not alone in how you feel. I know that my insecurities won’t magically disappear as soon as I meet my husband, so I have been trying to change my mindset about my body and the way I view myself. I read Song of Solomon in the fall, and the book is surprisingly sexual, yet beautiful and tender. The author goes into so much detail about everything he loves about his wife’s body. Reading this in the Bible, the holiest of books, helped me better understand that sex truly was created to be enjoyed by man and wife, and God wants us to enjoy it. It’s not just a byproduct of marriage, and a way to procreate. While the thought of being physically intimate with my husband way far in the future still frightens me, I have been able to slowly change my mindset about sex and my body. Right now, I’m trusting that I will be ready for sex and marriage, and I will have a husband who is so excited and finds me beautiful and worthy, like God does. I’ll be praying for God to help us figure this out; to love our bodies as much as he loved them when he knitted us together in the womb, to treat our bodies like temples, to understand that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and to trust that God will answer our prayers.
This is probably the hardest temptation I deal with as a single
Christian.
Hi L V, I understand what you are trying to express and feel the same way. And I love your last statement, we are always 100% a child of God. If we look at everything from that lens, then purity and chastity are viewed properly – as a gift from God for us to cherish and enjoy.
@Taylor, thank you for having the courage to ask these questions and allowing us to offer advices to you. I am so amazed by your courage. I was once in the same boat, having the same thoughts like you, around the same age, in the same raging battle. And I gave in (not knowing any better, not knowing the Lord then, not having godly counsel). But now having God and His viewpoint, looking back, I saw how a young unmarried girl could be so fragile. So please please don’t be ashamed when you long for love and intimacy, please don’t be hard on yourself. Truly, the way lustful movies and music (under the influence of the devil) has magnified sex so much to lure many young people in. It is just ridiculous and evil at best. Now being married with kids, I honestly don’t think sex is as crazy as I once thought. In reality some days I’d rather sleep from exhaustion from family demands. I encourage you not to be so hard on yourself. I had a long relationship after college, God broke it up for my sake (it was some what abusive). And He made me wait. I asked God everyday, when God, no answer. More waiting. He gave me time to heal and calm my own confusion maybe. Almost 2 years passed. And then one day, my now husband came into my life, he proposed so quickly after being friends for just 3 months and asked to marry me within 8 months. He could not wait himself. Funny enough.
Be encouraged Taylor. God has a good plan for you, He said it himself that “two is better than one.” You can do this! Conquer your thoughts, capture every thoughts to the obedience of Christ. Divert your mind to whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of a good report. God will help you. Ask him for strength and work with him persistently. Just like if you love chocolate so much, don’t go to candy stores, don’t walk around chocolate aisles. Same principle applies here. Don’t give up ok! Pray to God, take authority to COMMAND any demonic temptations, inappropriate thoughts to be gone! Speak to your mountain, command it to move, and have faith and it will be moved. The moment you pass this test, a reward is on the way. Wishing you strength to overcome, hope to cheer you on, and success to testify! (sorry ladies for my long post Bless you all)
I kept thinking throughout this devotional that chastity meant celibacy, but I’m grateful that another believer pointed out that chastity and celibacy are similar but they are also different. To be honest, I lost my virginity to my husband before we got married, and although that love was significant for our relationship then, I can see now how much more meaningful that love is now, especially as our understanding of the marriage partnership deepens. I will admit, I first started this devotional thinking that chastity (but actually thinking it meant celibacy) wasn’t going to be applicable to me now that I’m married. I read on, not really paying too much attention, but reading other believers’ comments has given me a lot of food for thought, and now I’m very excited to write down in my Bible journal one of the last big paragraphs in here about chastity as a discipline and to ponder more about this topic as a whole.
I also wanted to share something that (I believe) Amanda Bible Williams shared in the recent She Reads Truth podcast that if she could go back in time, she would tell her younger self, who was wanting to be loved and deeply known and cherished, that she already is loved and deeply known and cherished by God! (Psalm 139). This is something I wish I could do too, and something that I need to keep reminding myself daily for whenever I sin or feel weak or feel worthless, comparing myself to others and thinking about mistakes and regrets. God calls me to repent, rest, and remember His love and to keep practicing these spiritual disciplines because it’s not about earning the reward as quickly as possible, it’s about the journey and our growth in our friendship with God.
Another believer commented about their insecurities as a young not-married woman, and I just wanted to share that even though I am married, I still have those thoughts and feelings a lot. I have things that I need to take to God and work through, and I even saw a professional for a short time to talk about these issues. I think a good starting place for people like you and me who are going through these thought processes is to stop criticizing and analyzing ourselves as people with a list to accomplish or as a person with their sum of experiences, and instead to look at ourselves with joy of who God made us to be – our characteristics and personalities and our interests and passions; to see ourselves as actual human beings and not human doers.
I’m so glad to have gone through this devotional and even though I’m sad that this is ending soon, I can’t wait to continue to practice what I’ve learned.