The ring was a symbol and a lie. “A symbol of your purity,” my parents said as they gave it to me, and a lie because I knew what my fumbling hands and the hands of another had already enacted. As long as I wore that ring I felt like a fraud, telling a story that wasn’t true about my heart, my body, and my intentions.
I had made no promise to wait for sex until marriage. The promise, like the ring, was hoisted on me by well meaning but misguided parents, leaders, and teachers. I thought waiting looked like white-knuckled and gritting determination. And by my late teens or early twenties, waiting for marriage was equated with “[burning] with desire” (1Corinthians 7:9). I did not understand that purity is a gift from God to me—not a gift for me to give to Him. And I did not understand that chastity was a spiritual discipline, not a rote one born of shame and demand and the seeds of legalism.
Chastity is only truly practiced by one whose spirit is alive with Christ, whose restraint is empowered by the Holy Spirit. It is not and cannot be produced in someone who is merely there for the show. It is not proven by signing cards promising to wait for sex until marriage, nor by wearing a purity ring or a bride wearing white on her wedding day.
Chastity is practiced by a person who makes a habit of presenting their body again and again and again, “as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God” (Romans 12:1), and as an act of worship to the God who made their body, loves their body, and cares deeply about their body. It is practiced both inside marriage and outside it, both in the avoidance of sex and in the participation of it within marriage. It is not something one loses when they enter into marriage, but it is something one carries with them. Chastity is as necessary for life and godliness as goodness, faithfulness, kindness, and joy.
I wear a different ring these days, a small rose gold one with a beryl stone within it. It communicates a promise of fidelity, service, and love to my husband. But it also communicates to me that I am not released from a practice of chastity simply because I wear this wedding ring and sex is permissable. I still practice the discipline of chastity, of asking the Spirit to help counter sexual thoughts that have no place in our marriage, of making a practice of saying “Yes,” in marriage instead of “No” (1Corinthians 7:2–7), of recognizing and submitting to what is beneficial instead of being mastered by desires and thoughts (1Corinthians 6:12–20), and of bearing the fruit of the Spirit in all its forms in our marriage.
Before committing to wait for true love, one must know they are truly loved by God. We need to know that His Spirit is there to help us in our weaknesses and to empower us to walk in all that He has for us.
I pray that I will be able to show my daughter what true purity is meant to look like by my example through the power of the Holy Spirit.
My 14 year old son recently confessed that he’s struggled with a pornography addiction for two years. He’s getting good Christian counseling, and one of our youth pastors is walking with him as an accountability partner. I’d appreciate prayers for all of us as we help him fight this battle. ❤️
Rich*
Such a interesting devotional. I also grew up in a church that had a youth group with promise ring and purity focus. I felt a bit ostracized when I decided I DID NOT want to participate.
This devotional and the words of the women in this chat have given me so much to pray, read and learn about regarding chastity and purity.
Praying for the Milne family!
So here is an interesting thing. As a young Christian woman who does want to please God very much, I find that deep down, I associate my purity/inexperience with shame. I am 20 and have never even kissed. It has made me feel so ugly and undesirable and pathetic, I can’t even explain. Friends have told me it’s something to be proud of: that I have waited to find the “right” guy who is “worthy” of my kiss. But honestly, I feel that the reason I have not kissed is a) because no guy has ever initiated, so I’ve not had the chance, and b) because of a prideful fear that I would be bad at it more than wanting to please God.
I have always had an incredibly warped view of my body and felt “not normal” physically (though I am. I even get called pretty quite often). But all things that are physical, like sports and dancing and kissing and sex, just TERRIFY me. I feel like inadequate, vulnerable, and awkward thinking about doing them.
I am sure that I will wait until marriage to have sex, but once again, I find that the reason I want to hold back from having sex is that I am so unconfident in my own body. I don’t see my body as a gift, but rather some…disgusting and inadequate burden that the poor guy will just have to endure and never be satisfied with. I feel like I will have to apologize that he has to have sex with me, instead of some model girl with a nicer body and more experience. How do I stop seeing myself that way?
Ultimately, I just know my intentions need to shift. It’s easy to give the whole “I’m a Christian” excuse to justify my purity, but deep down, its more so something to hide behind because I feel ashamed of my body. I want to change.
I am thankful God forgives us. Lore, thank you for opening up to us. I feel more at home now. Chastity is not my strong suit. Lord forgive me.
Have a blessed day sisters.
This is so good…and speaks against purity culture and also the “if it feels good do it” society we live in. Thank you.