Just before Thanksgiving, Patrick asked my father for his blessing to propose. An Army Colonel who’d spent nearly 30 years serving in the U.S. Military, my father has all the outward trappings of intimidation. Patrick braced for the third degree. Instead, my father laughed, shrugged, and smiled.
“You’re both smart,” he said. “If Claire wants to marry you, then you have my blessing.” Before Patrick could breathe easy, my father put up one finger as if he’d just remembered something important.
“You know, Claire has a tendency to want to take charge,” he said.
Way to go dad. I can’t blame him for saying that—it’s true. I do have a tendency to want to take charge. For that reason, reading this passage is difficult. It’s easy to read verses about how God loves me. It’s hard to read about what God expects of me. But deep down I know the passages of Scripture that make me most uncomfortable are likely the passages I need to engage with the most.
When I read this passage the first time, all I could think about were women who’ve been mistreated, oppressed, and abused by men who have used these Scriptures to justify their abhorrent behavior. But Peter isn’t writing this passage for society at large. He’s telling individual women to submit to their own husbands, not for all women everywhere to be subordinate to men in general.
If my father’s first warning weren’t enough, nine years of marriage have likely taught my husband that my ability to submit isn’t my best quality. Whenever there’s a decision to be made, my knee-jerk reaction is to grab the reins—not out of kindness, but out of pride and fear. My desire for control is more powerful than my desire for deeper marital connection. All the while, the world tells me that I can be superwoman, have it all, remain young-looking, and raise a family. Soon, my hands are full of reins, but my heart is empty of peace. God invites me into a new way of living. The new way is slower, quieter. Because God loves me, I can trust that obeying His guidance won’t lead to more harm but, ultimately, to His blessing.
At the end of the previous chapter, Peter outlined Jesus’s suffering and sacrifice on the cross. He begins this chapter with these words: “In the same way, wives submit yourselves to your own husbands” (v.1). Peter then calls husbands to do the same, especially taking in to account the societal norms of the day, which saw women as “weaker” and less than their male counterparts. He instructs:
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life (v.7).
Jesus gave us a model for sacrificial love. And if we’re following His model, we cannot be surprised when loving well is sometimes hard and messy; it may cost us something in return. Jesus put down His rights in order to grant us access to the kingdom of God. In the same way, we’re called to put down our own need for control, trusting His ways are best.
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81 thoughts on "Wives and Husbands"
What a great way to put it!
I would love to hear others experiences with verses 1 and 2. I pray over this verse and my husband daily because he is not a saved Christian. He knows lots of Biblical facts, it wasn’t raised the way I was and doesn’t actively seek the Lord. We have 2 young children and I’m faced with taking them to church by myself. I know that God can change hearts, and I’m praying daily that He will move my husband. It’s such a hard position to be in.
My heart will forever be enough for my man to trust, as long as it’s kept in the hands of my Heavenly Father.
The study was SO thoughtfully written today. I absolutely was so struck by this. Being recently married I want to set Godly patterns for my marriage going into the future. GOD change me to honour you and honour my husband in everything I do.
This Scripture is not to be used to allow emotional abuse. I would seek counseling, personal and marital, with people who will hold him accountable for his actions.
As far as your son, you are his mother and he has a biblical mandate to respect you. I would hold him to that. Im so sorry you’re enduring this.
What happens when you have been married to a man who had constantly abused you emotionally for 20 years because you are trying to “be submissive and win him for the Lord” my 11 year old son is now picking up my husbands bad habits. I am not meaning for th is to sound like I am perfect, I am set I am definitely not, but lately I am feeling more and more broken and finding it hard to be the good example. I am a stay at home mom with a few health issues. I will admit the last few months I spend all my time reading my bible and devotions just so I don’t break. Any advice?
One of the things that strike me when we read these verses is that we focus a lot in the word submit. What it also says is ‘husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.’ Our husbands are called to lay their lives down for us, defend and challenge us. Bring out the best qualities in us. And in an ideal world this husband would be easy to submit to. So let’s focus on what it is to also sacrificially love our husbands and draw out the Christ in them.
I pray the I would find beauty in the inward and not the outward. I know that our society is obsessed with outward beauty, I pray that I would be different.
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Passages about relationships are hard when you are not in one. But I’m choosing to see this in the hope and light of my future love.
Twice I have sat down to reread and respond to my readings. Both times I have been interrupted in a way that did not allow a finish to the response. In times like that I open my hans before God and ask, “Do you want me to share, or not, I want to honor you.” I have been married 33 years. I have a friend, slightly older who has never been married. I remember when she struggled with her biological clock ticking, and almost entered a relationship she knew would not have pleased God. I see her know, used by God and fully fulfilled. There are a couple ladies and a young man that I work with, all godly individuals who long to be married. The man in particular just aches for a godly wife. I read posts by single, godly women, waiting on God, and think…if only. However, whether it is myself – married for 33 years, someone my sons ages married less than 10, or someone single…God has a plan for us. It is in our best for us to LISTEN and OBEY. In some situations it may be wait, in others He may call for us to lay something down (desires, control, power…), and it is always…LISTEN and OBEY. Thank you for Godly guidance in each situation. Give us wisdom, Father, for we trust You.
Thank you for sharing this encouragement! I’m 33 years old and single, and this was such an encouraging reminder! Focus on what God is calling me to do today, in the present, and trust Him with the future.
I love SRT, but I can’t help but feel you do the Scripture a great disservice by leaving off verse 21 from the Ephesians passage! God calls both men & women, husbands & wives to submit to each other. Our church believes in “mutual submission”, where if both spouses are submitted to the Lord and to each other, then their marriage is richer because both man & woman are leaning in to the Lord and bringing their own giftings to the marriage. The “head” of the house becomes God, not the man (or woman), but each have a responsibility to humbly serve both God and their spouse. I know we all come from different church backgrounds, which I love!, and the Egalitarian model isn’t accepted by everyone, but it’s brought freedom to my life and marriage, especially when it comes to decision-making in our relationship. Just thought it would be helpful to back up one verse for the whole picture. :)
I follow this same truth, thank you for expressing the biblical verse that reinforces this way of relationship. Blessings to you xx
So good!
Thank you Mindy!
I agree Mindy, Thank You!
Thank you all for your comments, as a new bible reader I appreciate the insights you all provide on parts I struggle with so much.
This is an amazing new way of looking at this passage and thank you so much for writing it. “I am called to do the same, put down my need of control, trust HIM!!”
In so many ways I feel like submitting to my husband will just continue to leave me lonely and hurt. But this week has brought me to this exact point.I must trust God and ask him to be for me what my husband can’t. “His guidance won’t lead to more harm but ultimately his blessing” Thank you for bring venerable, I know I am not alone.
Check out the Bible study “Love and Respect.” I loved how he described this scripture. I also loved all the comments and insight from the group on this, thank you!
I love how she makes the point that a wife is to respect and submit to HER OWN HUSBAND. Not men in general. Women are not inferior to men. And I am not to grovel at the foot of every man that tries to take control. I am asked to respect, honor, and submit to the man I love. The man I have entered willingly into a lifelong relationship with. The man who loves me even when I am grouchy and unlovable. Vast difference!
Amen. Important distinction
Alicia,thank you so much for your comments. I have struggled with this concept forever. I was raised to be independent and to take care of myself. I married a career soldier who was gone a lot. As all military spouses know when the soldier is gone you become responsible for everything;taking control was not an option. After 45 years together I still have trouble with submission. Your comments have given me a new perspective.
Tracey, you also have made me look at these verses in a whole new light. I think maybe now the inner war I’ve been fighting can finally come to an end. Jesus,thank you for the insight,prayers and comfort we find through these loving friends everyday. Please continue to bless all associated with She Reads Truth. Amen.
This one hit me hard, I really relate to you Claire
I struggled with these passages before I got married, but after meeting my husband I no longer feel this way. My husband is one of the most humble and giving people I have ever met, and one lesson I have learned in being married to him is that, when both people are truly committed to God first and their spouse second rather than their own interests, it actually becomes hard to tell who is leading and who is following because they function as one. Paul tells wives to submit, yes, but in the same breath he also tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church and to give themselves up for her. If I eagerly seek to honor my husband at the same time as he seeks to serve me, it doesn’t look anything like a power struggle. At least in our culture today, it seems that the natural tendency is for women to be controlling and for men to be passive. I have wondered many times if this mandate to lead and submit is really meant to counteract our natural tendencies bring us back to what life was meant to be before the fall–when Adam and Eve were one and were unashamed. I notice that, as I choose gentleness and quietness, I also inspire my husband to speak out more and I am better able to hear his thoughts. When I intentionally tell him all the ways I see God working in him, I see him respond and step in to more and more of a leadership role. And that is a beautiful thing.
Words of wisdom from a loving wife! I love how you said “if we are truly committed to God first, it’s hard to tell who is leading”. Thank you, Alicia!
This is an interesting interpretation and not one I agree with, but thank you for diving into a tough subject to deliver us this morning’s devotional. God bless.
This is one of the most difficult things for women in today’s society. Love what you wrote. I would like to say something in regards to the “weaker vessel”. I heard it explained like this:
Men and women have the same capacity. It’s what the vessel is that makes it different. If you put water in a plastic cup that holds 8 oz and water in a china cup that holds 8 oz, the amount is the same. The difference is how you treat the plastic cup vs the china cup. When handling the plastic, you are not as careful because it’s less likely to break even if dropped or put in a dishwasher. You do not handle the china the same way. You are gentle with it, careful not to drop it. You would never put it in the dishwasher, but you would hand wash it. The capacity is the same. The vessel is not.
Great way to break this down because i can’t
This was a great way to break this down because I can’t lie, I cringed when I read “weaker vessel”.
we do not have the same capacity. that’s been proven. i recommend listening to Allie Stucky’s last podcast
Tracy, thanks for sharing this capacity illustration.
Really appreciate this way of looking at it!! Very helpful analogy!
I don’t think this devotional leaves much room for the egalitarian view of Christian marriage- I recommend Man and Woman, One in Christ by Dr. Payne. God bless!
they reviewed exactly what the Scripture says. in the Ephesians text, it even says “as Christ is the head of the church, so is the husband the head of his wife” (5:22). Yes all God’s children have equal value, but we have different roles. The biblical role of a wife is to be submissive. It is a beautiful design that God has for us to follow to live holy and pleasing lives for him, furthermore it is for our best!
Right on Becca! This devo doesn’t leave room for the egalitarian view because the passage clearly does not go there. Complimentary is the beauty of of God’s design in the different roles of marriage that reflect the gospel! Equal value is assumed, this goes beyond and calls us to humility and trust in God’s design.
My marriage began to heal tremendously as soon as I realized it was my privilege to “submit” to my husband. It is an act of worship to God, and drastically changes my behavior and respect towards my husband, which in turn drastically changes his behavior and love towards me (as Christ loves the church). I totally agree that this remarkable design has both party’s equal, yet with necessary and different roles. We cannot all be the heart so to speak… what purpose then does the heart have without blood to pump… etc.
I look at our society today and see the problem of women wanting to be in control if only christian women would stand up and say this is God’s plan and design that man is to be head of household not that woman doesn’t have a say but that even if you don’t agree your husband has final say, if he is wrong he answers to God. I struggle with this too but it was Eve who was deceived and Satan is trying to deceive women again by telling her she is equal to man Feminism is destroying this world!
“Soon, my hands are full of reins, but my heart is empty of peace.“ Preach, Claire!
OK now little more serious than my previous comment. For the longest time “I thought” I was loved like Christ loves the church. Maybe for a time I was. But I know one thing for sure. God loves me. He loves me just as I am. I’m so much closer to God than I ever have before. I am so much stronger. And it’s all God.
So inspired by this, Mari. You ARE strong and so incredibly, indescribably loved by God. I’m praying for continued closeness with Him for you!
As I try a new Wand for my hair this morning I had to laugh at the Key verse this morning. 1 Peter 2:3 Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things. The girls at my workplace have been trying new hairstyles, including the Wand LOL. Trust me. I needed the laugh.
Marriages, indeed most relationships, are difficult to navigate. Noting the individual differences and how they can yet complement one another is key. Once strengths and weaknesses are recognized and identified, mutual submission becomes easier. It’s only when one person feels they have a “right” do things become derailed. Good to remember to prefer one another in love.
“Sometimes it’s just easier for me to make the decision then it is to talk and discuss for at least an hour”
Truth Caitlin!
I think God knows what you NEED but what not you WANT because God gives you every NEEDS and god is helping you to save your money instead of buying unnecessary materials or items. If you need to buy necessarily basic needs just ask your CHILDREN to get you what you want or needs of importance of life. Husbands are like your daddy’s when need trust or to believe that is why God gave you an husband as a wonderful precious gift to have. God gave you children to train them how to live the you had lived.
That’s why I trust the website link.
Hey SRT – I’m not sure what’s going on with the app (maybe it’s me) but it’s cutting out half of the devotional each day!
Same for me!
Me too!
Hi Kelsea, we are aware of this particular error and it should be corrected soon. Thanks for your patience in the meantime! -Margot, The SRT Team
I’m not getting any of today’s devotion on the app. I get the scripture passages but not the debrief.
Same here!
Same
Me too!
One of the really cool things about this passage (as hard as it is) IS that beginning transition phrase that takes us back to chapter 2. Jesus WILLINGLY and OUT OF LOVE submitted to the Father and chose to come to earth, leaving behind His heavenly reign, to serve us, teach us, and die for us. He didn’t do it out of duty, but out of love. And His submission became the biggest blessing of all time. He humbled Himself and took on the form of a servant, all for our growth and salvation. That’s the model we have here! We don’t have to submit to our own husbands out of duty…we GET to submit out of love in order to serve them, bring them blessing, and help push them closer to the Lord. Wow. And the cool thing is, we are still equals. We are not less important than men. God knew that women were necessary and man needed women. God calls us co-heirs. He gave us both duties in the garden to cultivate and be stewards of His creation. What an amazing God we serve. He always has our very best at heart and submission is part of that ♥️
I was struck by verse 6. “just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. You have become her children when you do what is good and do not fear any intimidation.” The NIV translates “do not fear any intimidation” as “do not give way to fear”. I really like the picture it paints that as a daughter of the King I do not have to live in fear. I don’t have to be afraid to submit to my husband because I trust God to only have my best interest at heart. John Piper said this about verse 6, “…the daughters of Sarah fight the anxiety that rises in their hearts. They wage war on fear, and the defeat it with hope in the promises of God.”
There is so much in life to be anxious about and fear, but I trust God. And because I trust God I trust His Word that says “submit”.
Have a blessed weekend, sweet sisters.
Amen, sister! I love your post!
Then I think back to how Sarah tried to engineer God’s promise by offering Hagar to her husband, and I laugh. Sarah wasn’t good at first at submitting but tried to control things. That led to difficulties. Ultimately she did submit and was blessed.
Absolutely!! Thanks for sharing this!
This can be such a tricky topic to cover. Thank you for handling it with both truth and grace. I have never caught the phrase “in the same way” at the beginning of the passage before. These verses are humbling because they poignantly remind me of how I am to reflect Christ’s love for and obedience to the Father. What a gift to be able to give that kind of love to my husband.
I agree, I also, with all the times I have read this passage, had not caught the phrase, “in the same way”. Yes, in the same way that Christ suffered and then loved us by dying for us, I am to submit to and love my husband.
I just read an article about the phrase “weaker vessel”. In the Greek the word “weaker” was referring to societal weakness.
From the article: “In Peter’s time, societally, women were definitely considered weaker and had very few rights. Peter probably had in mind the social disadvantages that ancient women faced when he used the words “weaker vessel.””
It was also helpful for me to know that the beginning of this passage is referring to women whose husbands were not believers. We’re studying 1 & 2 Peter in my Sunday school right now and we talked about how this letter was written to new Gentile believers. So, some of those women would be married to men who may not have heard the gospel. These women were called to submit to their unbelieving husbands and to let their behavior show the gospel message.
Thank you for sharing this, that’s a helpful perspective to have on the words, “weaker vessel”.
Anyone listen to the podcast Real Christianity ? The name was changed from Ultimate Marriage by Dale and Veronica Partridge. They spoke on similar topics that has helped me understand so much but bibical marriage. I highly recommend!!
Anyone listen to the podcast Real Christianity
When I first was married 25 years ago, this was such an issue for me. Fast forward 25 years later, add kids, cars, house, job, kids sports yada, yada, yara this turned out to be a blessing. Let somebody else make a decision for once. While I was picking kids up driving them to practice, sprint off to an evening meeting, coordinate how the kids got home (if dad also worked late that evening), he had to make the decision about how to but new tires, which bill may or may not get paid this month because of that unexpected expense. I went to bed, slept all night. Received his decision in the morning and kept it moving. There is freedom in allowing the man that God has blessed you with to make a decision for HIS family. How can that be wrong! Being in contro not
The app is missing the beginning just as an FYI… I had to go to the site to get it.
Yes…seems though the app is missing every other paragraph of the commentary! And they are important ones!!!
Thank you! I felt like it wasn’t quite adding up. Makes much more sense reading what’s on the website.
Thanks for saying that! I went to the site after seeing your comment and got the whole thing!
We are aware of this particular error on the app and it should be corrected soon. Thank you for your patience! -Margot, The SRT Team
My pastor always says, in reference to these verses, that marriage should be a “submission competition”. Both parties doing everything they can to put the other person first. And in Paul’s time, women submitting to men was nothing new. Women had little to no rights as it was. But it was quite radical to tell husbands to love their wives (especially to the standard that Jesus loved us).
I just read this: https://www.bibleref.com/1-Peter/3/1-Peter-3-7.html.
This breaks down the passage. It may help for anyone struggling with the verse and see this in a new way. I agree with the other comments God’s way is best. I am also thinking about all Jesus did! How he humbled himself and even washed His disciples dirty feet. What an example He is. I am too prideful at times. Who am I not to follow God’s Word and humble myself when Jesus did? I’ve messed up a lot by my pride and running my mouth. The other teaching today was about arguing, being right and our words: @First5App @Proverbs31org People called her confident, independent and sure of herself. She was willing to offer her opinion on just about anything and refused to lose. http://www.first5.org/plans/Proverbs/ff_proverbs_30 I really need to take heed and follow the wisdom in these lessons.
Passages like the scriptures that we read today have always gotten under my skin a little bit because I, too, often take the lead, but, after being in a relationship that was close to heading to toward marriage and seeing how this might play out in a marriage, I’m quite convinced that God’s way is most certainly best. I know that I would love to be in a relationship, a marriage in which I felt safe and secure enough in the love of my partner and sure that he meant the very best for me that I could fully submit myself to him and to have enough trust in him to follow him as a spiritual leader of my household. To in turn be loved by my husband like Christ loves the church sounds like a dream. In fact, I long for that day and pray that God has such a marriage relationship in store for me one day.
To be honest, even when I saw the title of today’s reading, I began to bristle a little. I, too, handle readings about God’s love, and Jesus’s miracles, and God’s plan for us to do good works with a greater ease than those that hit me where I live —literally. That being said, the Holy Spirit has convicted me before of my responsibility in my marriage, and it is not to take charge. In my obedience I realized blessings in my marriage that I have overlooked before. I appreciate the reminder today. Today, I need to ponder on the truth of my outward appearance and my inward beauty—I pray that God will show me where I have crossed the lines.
The idea of wives being weaker to husbands definitely shook my spirit and my ego was like “what is God even saying? Are I equal to my partner?” As I read through the entire verse, my spirit started to take over and calm my ego down. While I don’t fully understand if God is saying men are stronger than women in general or if He is talking about specific aspects of life. Nonetheless, the idea of submission to my husband is not a new or foreign concept. Like Claire I tend to be more decisive in my relationships than the men I’ve dated! I am keen to be the woman who appreciates the slow and quietness of her inner beauty as she continues to become the wife her husband is praying for!
I would suggest tuning into the podcast (on youtube as well) Real Christianity. It used to be title Ultimate Marriage by Dale & Veronica Partridge. It very insightful. Has helped me understand many issues from a biblical perspective.
Equal value different roles is the key. Men and Women have equal value in the sight of Lord, but were created for different roles.
I had these same questions!! I couldn’t find it but I vaguely remember in the garden of Eden when He created Eve, he said that they were equals? I think whatever is being said here tho, it’s not diminishing rights or value or anything because of being female. I could be wrong about the passage in Genesis I am thinking of, was just curious!
Tony Evans has a powerful teaching on the roles of men and women called Kingdom Man and Kingdom Woman. It is based solely on God’s word which is contradictory to what society preaches today, but does explain The roles we were created for and how living in those roles aligns us to God, but when one or both of us step out of those roles or tries to take over the role God had predetermined for the other, we are out of alignment with God’s will. That is a simplistic overview but it really opened my eyes to where I tried to take on roles that were not meant for me and I saw the chaos that created in my life. To be sure, God loves each as his own children and our value is the same in his eyes, that is why Christ died for all.
This is me in every way. I tend to always take control and lead the way I have a hard time letting go of control and putting my partner as equal because honestly. Sometimes it’s just easier for me to make the decision then it is to talk and discuss for at least an hour. This was a good and uncomfortable lesson today.