Just before Thanksgiving, Patrick asked my father for his blessing to propose. An Army Colonel who’d spent nearly 30 years serving in the U.S. Military, my father has all the outward trappings of intimidation. Patrick braced for the third degree. Instead, my father laughed, shrugged, and smiled.
“You’re both smart,” he said. “If Claire wants to marry you, then you have my blessing.” Before Patrick could breathe easy, my father put up one finger as if he’d just remembered something important.
“You know, Claire has a tendency to want to take charge,” he said.
Way to go dad. I can’t blame him for saying that—it’s true. I do have a tendency to want to take charge. For that reason, reading this passage is difficult. It’s easy to read verses about how God loves me. It’s hard to read about what God expects of me. But deep down I know the passages of Scripture that make me most uncomfortable are likely the passages I need to engage with the most.
When I read this passage the first time, all I could think about were women who’ve been mistreated, oppressed, and abused by men who have used these Scriptures to justify their abhorrent behavior. But Peter isn’t writing this passage for society at large. He’s telling individual women to submit to their own husbands, not for all women everywhere to be subordinate to men in general.
If my father’s first warning weren’t enough, nine years of marriage have likely taught my husband that my ability to submit isn’t my best quality. Whenever there’s a decision to be made, my knee-jerk reaction is to grab the reins—not out of kindness, but out of pride and fear. My desire for control is more powerful than my desire for deeper marital connection. All the while, the world tells me that I can be superwoman, have it all, remain young-looking, and raise a family. Soon, my hands are full of reins, but my heart is empty of peace. God invites me into a new way of living. The new way is slower, quieter. Because God loves me, I can trust that obeying His guidance won’t lead to more harm but, ultimately, to His blessing.
At the end of the previous chapter, Peter outlined Jesus’s suffering and sacrifice on the cross. He begins this chapter with these words: “In the same way, wives submit yourselves to your own husbands” (v.1). Peter then calls husbands to do the same, especially taking in to account the societal norms of the day, which saw women as “weaker” and less than their male counterparts. He instructs:
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life (v.7).
Jesus gave us a model for sacrificial love. And if we’re following His model, we cannot be surprised when loving well is sometimes hard and messy; it may cost us something in return. Jesus put down His rights in order to grant us access to the kingdom of God. In the same way, we’re called to put down our own need for control, trusting His ways are best.
In so many ways I feel like submitting to my husband will just continue to leave me lonely and hurt. But this week has brought me to this exact point.I must trust God and ask him to be for me what my husband can’t. “His guidance won’t lead to more harm but ultimately his blessing” Thank you for bring venerable, I know I am not alone.
Check out the Bible study “Love and Respect.” I loved how he described this scripture. I also loved all the comments and insight from the group on this, thank you!
I love how she makes the point that a wife is to respect and submit to HER OWN HUSBAND. Not men in general. Women are not inferior to men. And I am not to grovel at the foot of every man that tries to take control. I am asked to respect, honor, and submit to the man I love. The man I have entered willingly into a lifelong relationship with. The man who loves me even when I am grouchy and unlovable. Vast difference!
Amen. Important distinction
Alicia,thank you so much for your comments. I have struggled with this concept forever. I was raised to be independent and to take care of myself. I married a career soldier who was gone a lot. As all military spouses know when the soldier is gone you become responsible for everything;taking control was not an option. After 45 years together I still have trouble with submission. Your comments have given me a new perspective.
Tracey, you also have made me look at these verses in a whole new light. I think maybe now the inner war I’ve been fighting can finally come to an end. Jesus,thank you for the insight,prayers and comfort we find through these loving friends everyday. Please continue to bless all associated with She Reads Truth. Amen.
This one hit me hard, I really relate to you Claire
I struggled with these passages before I got married, but after meeting my husband I no longer feel this way. My husband is one of the most humble and giving people I have ever met, and one lesson I have learned in being married to him is that, when both people are truly committed to God first and their spouse second rather than their own interests, it actually becomes hard to tell who is leading and who is following because they function as one. Paul tells wives to submit, yes, but in the same breath he also tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church and to give themselves up for her. If I eagerly seek to honor my husband at the same time as he seeks to serve me, it doesn’t look anything like a power struggle. At least in our culture today, it seems that the natural tendency is for women to be controlling and for men to be passive. I have wondered many times if this mandate to lead and submit is really meant to counteract our natural tendencies bring us back to what life was meant to be before the fall–when Adam and Eve were one and were unashamed. I notice that, as I choose gentleness and quietness, I also inspire my husband to speak out more and I am better able to hear his thoughts. When I intentionally tell him all the ways I see God working in him, I see him respond and step in to more and more of a leadership role. And that is a beautiful thing.
Words of wisdom from a loving wife! I love how you said “if we are truly committed to God first, it’s hard to tell who is leading”. Thank you, Alicia!
This is an interesting interpretation and not one I agree with, but thank you for diving into a tough subject to deliver us this morning’s devotional. God bless.
This is one of the most difficult things for women in today’s society. Love what you wrote. I would like to say something in regards to the “weaker vessel”. I heard it explained like this:
Men and women have the same capacity. It’s what the vessel is that makes it different. If you put water in a plastic cup that holds 8 oz and water in a china cup that holds 8 oz, the amount is the same. The difference is how you treat the plastic cup vs the china cup. When handling the plastic, you are not as careful because it’s less likely to break even if dropped or put in a dishwasher. You do not handle the china the same way. You are gentle with it, careful not to drop it. You would never put it in the dishwasher, but you would hand wash it. The capacity is the same. The vessel is not.
Great way to break this down because i can’t
This was a great way to break this down because I can’t lie, I cringed when I read “weaker vessel”.
we do not have the same capacity. that’s been proven. i recommend listening to Allie Stucky’s last podcast
Tracy, thanks for sharing this capacity illustration.
Really appreciate this way of looking at it!! Very helpful analogy!