Solitude and Community
Open Your Bible
Psalm 46:10, Lamentations 3:25-28, Mark 6:30-32, Matthew 11:25-30, Hebrews 10:23-25, Psalm 133:1, Matthew 18:20, Romans 12:4-5, Romans 12:15-19
BY Rebecca Faires
I didn’t adopt because I wanted to make orphans miserable. But in the bumpy jostle of daily family life, between Don’t wake the baby! and Everyone get in bed!, I feel like I’m failing. We pursued adoption because we wanted to help—we wanted to make the world a better place, to shine the light of the gospel. But I didn’t know I would need to shine the light of the gospel at 5am, every day, for so many years. In the process, my flashlight has grown dull and weak.
Every day, my husband and I feel the pendulum swing between the tension of Christ’s invitation to “come away by yourselves to a remote place and rest for a while,” and His admonition to “meet together” in fellowship (Mark 6:31; Hebrews 10:25). After one too many family activities ending in disaster, we’ve learned to let our wounds heal in private and decline the next dinner invitation.
Adoptive parenting has been the most difficult task of my life. It’s been astonishingly isolating, because from the outside, we look like an adorable, bustling, young family. But underneath, I’m clenching my teeth, waiting for the shoe to drop and the next terrible thing to happen. During this season, we’ve felt the tension of pulling out of community activities, playdates, dinners, and visits with family. And I fear that folks won’t understand we are dealing with more than just a case of the wiggles.
But in pulling away from community, we miss out on the real, loving, encouragement and affirmation we need from our people. We imagine disapproval in their eyes and judgment on their brows. Again and again, I have wanted to hide our messy family life because I am sure no one will understand.
One May day just a few years ago, my very, very cute adopted son was singing—with perfect pitch—a Christmas song, while I stood in the checkout line at Goodwill. He has a face like a chipmunk and a voice like a chorister, and he knows it. He’d been singing that song for weeks, and now he was shining his face around to draw the attention and approval of the other adults standing nearby. His endless fishing for applause from strangers touches on my fear that he’s still not quite settled on us as his parents; he’s still interviewing for the position.
Although we can never erase the brokenness that led to his birth parents’ inability to raise him, we are the parents that God has given him. In spite of my commitment to love him, his singing was exhausting and painful at the end of a draining day—on top of six wearying years. For me, his song felt like a jarring syncopation, rattling out the death of my dreams. I asked him to stop singing.
At my left elbow, a woman snorted and leaned away from me. “That sweet little boy wasn’t hurting anything. You should know better than to stop him from singing!” she admonished, shaking her head and looking away. I felt my tired shoulders slump lower, even more resolved to hide our troubled story.
And we have found relief and safety in solitude. We’ve been able to rally our forces and find heart for the next fight. But pulling away from community robs us of its gifts, and neglecting solitude robs us of its replenishing powers.
So we live in the in-between tension of the two. We live like a child on a swing, swaying out a little further and retreating a little further, learning to trust our community and learning to accept the peace of solitude.The further we venture out, the deeper we need to retreat afterward. We don’t have an easy solution, but I am sure about which direction to look for hope. “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest,” Jesus says (Matthew 11:28). But in this in-between, our hearts are broken every single day. We are rejected and we are befriended. We are lonely and we are loved.
123 thoughts on "Solitude and Community"
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I have a 5 year old son with Autism and I lost my husband 3 1/2 years ago. It is so exhausting. I go to church and the. Pick my son up from Kids church and go straight home. I miss fellowship sooooo much. But Eli is so fullon. He wants to run around the whole time and squealing and yelling if I try and make him stay with me. It’s so stressful for me it’s really not worth it most of the time. I hate being a public spectacle even though I know no one judges me there. I miss my husband and just want him back. Thankyou for sharing your struggles. I fully understand. ❣❣❣
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I am praying for you Maddie. Your Father understands every single struggle you face and I know He cares about the wants and needs of your heart. God is revealing to me that lately I have tried to work towards the things I want without really looking to Him, but His Word does say ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened, seek and you shall find. I would encourage you to ask your Father for the desires of your heart.
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Maddie, I am also a mom of a child on the spectrum. After years of trying to find the right balance, we are only now learning the right combination of community support for him AND for us as parents. I am grateful to my church, and several ministers there in our children’s ministry and counseling ministries, who didn’t let us isolate; who pursued us in the depth of our grief, and embarrassment, and gave us the love, acceptance, and practical pointers we have needed to claw our way out. That said, I’m reading this study because even after years of living with our Autistic son, my grief is raw and cyclical. The most freeing thing in my walk with God, and in my parenting, is accepting the grief of parenting my special needs son, and by extension seeking and receiving the help I need. The darkest times now is when I let our schedule slip and we start skipping church, and our children’s mid-week ministry. It not only harms us b/c the change in routine with an ASD kid, but also harms me because then I don’t get the recharge I need.
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I just loved this so much. I decided to stay home instead of going to a farewell for someone at work. I felt the Lord was saying for me to stay home and rest with my Autistic son. But then I struggle with guilt and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. That line you wrote. Every day we are broken encourages me so much.
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Solitude **
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Right now I’m sitting in the airport, exhausted. Emotionally and physically. This is a trip I feel God truly wanted me to go on for healing…. Satan however has done everything to make me miserable in trying to go. Including collapsing my closet and all of its contents at around 1 am this morning.
— but that’s not stopping me from getting to this place. God wants me to go and to heal, to spend time with understanding women during this season of intense trial.
I am so behind on this study, but I think God gives us words of course when we need them. To hear the words “Be still, and Rest…. I’ve got you” is one of the most sweet sounds to my ears and heart that have been desperately grasping, holding on, praying, and working so hard to just keep going.
Definitely need prayer for this trip and the next 5 days to be a time to heal and spend time with my Heavenly Father.-
Bobbi, I am just doing the study myself today. I am praying for you to find rest at the feet of Jesus. To know you are fully loved and cared for by God. May He bring healing to your heart and rest to your body and mind.
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Praying for you continually! I hope your trip was just the dose of God’s amazing love you needed :)
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I’ve read this everyday this past week. We just brought #6 home…3rd adoption. It has thrown my child who has been home also 6 years back to a very tough spot and then trying to help my new child in this space….it has been hard! I do want to pull the blinds and retreat. The community keeps pushing themselves in and I could not figure out why this was so hard for me….but this, it is exactly how we are feeling! I sent it to those friends so they know I’m not saying no to community we are just doing all we can today. Thank you!!!
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I love that you included the Verses from Matthew 11, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” Don’t you just love that He says we will find rest for our souls! But He doesn’t say we will find rest for our tired minds and bodies!! There is a difference! Parenting under normal circumstances is difficult and exhausting depending on the season you find yourself. But parenting a adoptive child or fostering a child can not only be exhaustive but it can be disruptive to the life you were living. Unless you experience the process you just do not have a clue!! There is great tension that ebbs and flows. With time and Jesus it does ebb more than it flows. And believe me there is great warfare! The whisperings of the enemy can be horribly accusing, belittling, and can result in great isolation! Often times I would find myself focusing on what I had lost and how this was affecting me. In the early months the pity parties were often, I’m sad to say!!
When Jesus calls us to do something, we don’t always think it’s going to be hard, right? He’s called us to the task so He will equip us right? Right!! He doesn’t say the task is easy. Yet He does promise to be with us and to lead and guide us. I remember the day it all came to a head. I was alone with my husband in the kitchen. All five of the kids were gone for about an hour and I totally lost it! I mean scary lost it. I think my husband thought I was headed straight to the loony bin. I was more than a total mess. I was screaming, scratching my face and totally out of any semblance of control. He just stared at me, his normally in control, we can do this, nothing is impossible with God, faith filled wife! He had no clue who was standing if front of him and where his wife had gone!! Seriously, he was really worried, ok petrified might be a better word! His whispered words still resound in my mind today. “We can send him back. This is too hard. You are home with him all day and the responsibility you bear is too much.” And it was!! Talk about “feeling” like a failure! But God had called us to raise this boy who desperately needed Him. As my husband continued to stare at me, my hysteria lessened and I became just plain broken. Then the Lord gently reminded me that I was losing the battle because I was relying on my own strength. I was not yoked with Him. I was trying to do it myself and desperately failing. I openly admit I struggle with control. Raising this adolescent, I had no control. So I was at a crossroad. I had a choice, several actually. Soldier on as I was and suck it up until I lost it again…ok not a great option. Send him back…get my “normal” life back. I’d get over the failure eventually, right? Or put my armor on and ready for battle. Really learn what it means to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Prov. 3:6-6 I knew my Lord’s voice and I know He had called us to this assignment. So together, we chose option three. Did everything change over night? No. Were the circumstances still looming? Yes. Was I still exhausted? Yes. Was it still hard? Yes. So what changed? I did. Not only did I surrender my will but I submitted to His. I began each day with Him asking Him to be real and present and to guide me through the day and to stop me when I ventured off track. I allowed the community of Believers who want to help, help. I became vulnerable. I asked for help even from professionals. Our pediatrician, pastors at our church, weekly trips to a great Christian counselor. I called on people to partner with me in prayer. And guess what? That young adolescent gave his life to Jesus! Yes there were more bumps in the road, more tears and pain but we moved forward, always forward. But God….-
Beautifully written! Thank you for your obedience and thank you for sharing! That is one blessed boy to have you for his mama!
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Thank you both for sharing and being so transparent. What I find is that when we open our lives and hearts to others, we find we more alike than different. We all have our daily challenges or in some cases, years, but with God and a wonderful support system, God allows us to flourish when we live a Christ centered life and with other like minded friends. It does take a village! For me, it has been doing life as a mom on my own at home and with our village which we are so grateful for everyday!! Have a blessed and joy-filled weekend ladies ~ Diana <3
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But God! Those two words I repeat to myself everyday. There’s rest there…peace there. I love your story. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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I had no idea that when God called me to renovate my detached garage for a homeless man I met while doing homeless ministry would be so much like adopting a child – a child with severe behavior issues. It has been a disaster most of the past year and a half. I get the same disapproving looks and discouragement, from Christians I might add. I know God called me to this, but I struggle with the same: withdrawing but needing people. I haven’t learned to balance it either. Thank you for your words. They help more than you know. ❤️
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Your words are spot-on. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share the truth. Adoption has been the absolute hardest thing my husband and I have done, but also a tremendous blessing. It’s hard to explain to those who have not experienced it first-hand.
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