I didn’t adopt because I wanted to make orphans miserable. But in the bumpy jostle of daily family life, between Don’t wake the baby! and Everyone get in bed!, I feel like I’m failing. We pursued adoption because we wanted to help—we wanted to make the world a better place, to shine the light of the gospel. But I didn’t know I would need to shine the light of the gospel at 5am, every day, for so many years. In the process, my flashlight has grown dull and weak.
Every day, my husband and I feel the pendulum swing between the tension of Christ’s invitation to “come away by yourselves to a remote place and rest for a while,” and His admonition to “meet together” in fellowship (Mark 6:31; Hebrews 10:25). After one too many family activities ending in disaster, we’ve learned to let our wounds heal in private and decline the next dinner invitation.
Adoptive parenting has been the most difficult task of my life. It’s been astonishingly isolating, because from the outside, we look like an adorable, bustling, young family. But underneath, I’m clenching my teeth, waiting for the shoe to drop and the next terrible thing to happen. During this season, we’ve felt the tension of pulling out of community activities, playdates, dinners, and visits with family. And I fear that folks won’t understand we are dealing with more than just a case of the wiggles.
But in pulling away from community, we miss out on the real, loving, encouragement and affirmation we need from our people. We imagine disapproval in their eyes and judgment on their brows. Again and again, I have wanted to hide our messy family life because I am sure no one will understand.
One May day just a few years ago, my very, very cute adopted son was singing—with perfect pitch—a Christmas song, while I stood in the checkout line at Goodwill. He has a face like a chipmunk and a voice like a chorister, and he knows it. He’d been singing that song for weeks, and now he was shining his face around to draw the attention and approval of the other adults standing nearby. His endless fishing for applause from strangers touches on my fear that he’s still not quite settled on us as his parents; he’s still interviewing for the position.
Although we can never erase the brokenness that led to his birth parents’ inability to raise him, we are the parents that God has given him. In spite of my commitment to love him, his singing was exhausting and painful at the end of a draining day—on top of six wearying years. For me, his song felt like a jarring syncopation, rattling out the death of my dreams. I asked him to stop singing.
At my left elbow, a woman snorted and leaned away from me. “That sweet little boy wasn’t hurting anything. You should know better than to stop him from singing!” she admonished, shaking her head and looking away. I felt my tired shoulders slump lower, even more resolved to hide our troubled story.
And we have found relief and safety in solitude. We’ve been able to rally our forces and find heart for the next fight. But pulling away from community robs us of its gifts, and neglecting solitude robs us of its replenishing powers.
So we live in the in-between tension of the two. We live like a child on a swing, swaying out a little further and retreating a little further, learning to trust our community and learning to accept the peace of solitude.The further we venture out, the deeper we need to retreat afterward. We don’t have an easy solution, but I am sure about which direction to look for hope. “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest,” Jesus says (Matthew 11:28). But in this in-between, our hearts are broken every single day. We are rejected and we are befriended. We are lonely and we are loved.
I haven’t adopted but I have felt the dilemma of balancing solitude and community in times of “wilderness”. I think at such time God is calling us to draw closer to him and let him fill the hole. Let him restore us.
I’ve wondered whether he is showing me that my community as lovely as they are cannot fill that gap no matter how hard they try. At such times I’ve also felt him saying that I should allow my community more grace. Not to hold them to a standard or expectation they cannot live up to because no matter how kind they are and how God lead they may be, my reality is not their reality as such they may not always know what to say.
But the one who made us and knew what our future holds will equip us to deal with our current realities. I’ve also found him providing new communities, in a friend or a neighbour who knows and just pops us at the most desperate of time. I still love my community greatly but my expectations from them is different, that way I can enjoy my time with them. Still learning and growing but ultimately relying on God more.
I really like the analogy of the child on the swing. What a beautiful image of a person who is able to balance solitude and community. It is so easy to either spend so much time with community that you feel drained, or too much time alone that you are not filled by the joy of others. I am currently in a place where I am avoiding spending time with my Christian community. Some of them are different than me, and I have trouble connecting. I am angry at some whose personalities frustrate me. I am reminded in this study that although time alone with God is refreshing and important, time with members of Christ’s body is important too. My pride gets in the way of believing that God could be at work in our group. My ego gets in the way of reaching out to the members of my small group that perhaps need a friend. My hope for “the perfect Christian” community is not realistic, and I am ashamed at how stubborn I have been. Although God grants peace and comfort when we run to Him, he also does this in the form of community. I am longing for community, in which I encourage others and they encourage me. I long for people to really know me, and for me to really know them. Lord, I know that I am missing out on the joy you have given to your people in community. Help me to trust You in this. Help me to seek ways that I can be further invested in the community You have given me at this time.
Thank you for sharing this. You spoke the words of my heart this morning.
While reading through the comments for this fantastic study, I was really struck by your comment, Sarah. This speaks very much so to where I’m at with my community right now…and I really appreciate your honesty when speaking about your own experience. It’s easy to fall into asking why the group isn’t what we want it to be without thinking about how we can be a blessing to the people around this. Praying for you, sister.
From a fellow adoptive mama let me give you a big hug. I’ve been there and we too are 6 years into our adoption. One thing I’ve learned is its essential to create a unique community that feeds you . It may be different than your old community. It’s doubtful family and friends will really “get” it unless they’ve walked the parenting journey of traumatized kids.
For me I found community in an online Christian reactive attachment Facebook support group, a trauma and attachment parent child group in my city and for a while a great counselor who works with adoptive families etc.
But I also found that I still need my old family and dear friend’s. I rarely discuss with them the challenges we face as a family but use that time as a break time to eat chocolate, laugh and be together for fun.
Hiring a respite workers / sitter gives me a break and chance to just be jenna for a bit and focus on my own goals, to let go for a short time of the parenting challenges.
Gentle hugs
Jenna, hugging you right back! Praying for you and your sweet family today. Grateful you’re here.
xoxo-Kaitlin
Can you share the name of the reactive attachment Facebook group? Thanks.
For two years I’ve been without a church home, a community, and minimal involvement with other believers, other than texting and social media conversation. Two years ago I was let go from working at a church, a job in ministry I loved and thrived in. But I was let go because my attendance had been sparse. I was experiencing severe depression and a slew of health problems at the time, most of which I am still experiencing today. The lack of community and having a church home since i was let go and have since moved, has not sat right with me. In fact, i know the Lord has urged me on many occasions to find a local church and get involved. However, whenever I get to the point of having the courage and desire and determination to move out of my comfort zone, I have experienced crippling anxiety and panic that eventually overtakes me. I long for the days this is no longer a problem. I crave relationships that edify and revive my spirit. I know there has to be something more in this life than the little bit the Lord has used me this far. The loneliness, the anxiety, the fear, the uselessness are all things that isolation does not achieve. But I remember those days when I was so busy I craved solitude. I now know there is a difference between solitude and isolation. I’m thankful for this study and how the Lord is using it to work on me, I long for community and being an active part of the body of Christ.
I have dealt with anxiety and have met people who have dealt with similar struggles Bree. The hardest part sometimes is just walking into the doors of a church and getting inside. Countless people have told me that they’ve driven to church and couldn’t get themselves to go inside because they were so nervous so they went home. I would encourage you, even though it’s scary, to get plugged in a community. I know it’s hard and very frightening but the pros far outweigh the cons and if anything, that community will have your back and help you battle anxiety if they are a community that loves the lord. It doesn’t mean people are perfect and people won’t mess up but we’re all just a bunch of broke people trying to love Jesus and love others. That’s where grace comes in :)
I went to church this past Sunday :-) I don’t know if you will see this, but thank you for your relativity and encouragement. And most of all your prayers!
I have and am absolutely with you. I know your pain and I am praying for you!
I went to church this past Sunday :-) I don’t know if you will see this, but thank you for your relativity and encouragement. And most of all your prayers ladies!
I also completely understand your pain…it’s a hard, debilitating season. More often than not, bring at church feels “safe” to me…there are times during worship that I dream of just wishing I could live at church…because I feel most whole there. And then there are days, my bed is that same kind of place for me. Everyday can be different.
So from one anxiety ridden person to another, I urge you to just step out in faith and find that safe church home. Your soul will be filled and find peace if only for that one hour…but God will be working in all the other hours. ❤️❤️❤️
I went to church this past Sunday :-) I don’t know if you will see this, but thank you for your relativity and encouragement. And most of all your prayers! It was not easy but I prayed nonstop throughout the morning, even when I found myself sitting in church waiting for t to begin. Every little prayer, God answered that morning to ease my mind and spirit. I have felt so refreshed since going and renewed. I’m really hoping to make it back in two weeks after I get back home from family vacation.
My uncle has been in the hospital for about 3 months now, lingering on the edge of death. He actually did die, although very briefly, and he vividly recalls Jesus telling him that it’s not his time yet. He’s held on to that message, wondering why it wasn’t his time to leave, because he so badly wanted to. He’s been suffering for so long, and there’s no realistic cure for him, but he’s trying to trust that God still wants him here on earth. Relating to the scripture today, the most challenging part for him is that now his wife is filing for divorce, has depleted nearly their entire bank account while he was in a coma, and their church pastor has taken the side of his wife, saying this is all too much for her to handle. He’s been sick off and on for their whole 20 years of marriage, and she just can no longer weep with him… it’s very sad. His entire community and earthly life has vanished, all while being too ill to walk or even feed himself. He went from belonging to a church community, to being thrown into absolute solitude. Now he only has days left before he’s forced to leave the hospital, but he can’t go home because of his wife. He can’t live on his own because he can’t walk or administer his medication. He has to move far away from his home to live with my parents, leaving behind his former friends, former wife, former church, and beloved pets.
While my heart just breaks for him, I’m eager to see how God moves in this situation. What community might God create (that now my parents could be a part of), what purpose does God have for extending, however briefly, my uncle’s life?
PS– speaking of community, still rooting for the SRT local meet up groups ;) !
Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for the Bible verses to encourage me and help me remember who I can always lean on. My teenage son is battling stage 4 cancer. He lost his leg almost a year ago now and has been regularly having chemo treatments since October with no end in sight. I still have no clear answers for the balance of solitude and community while we travel this heart-breaking road. But your honesty and encouragement help. Thank you.
Wanting to add. There is a mentor/friend of mine who chastised me for not reaching out and asking for help more often. Although I felt there was some truth to what she was telling me, in the end I have pulled back more because I don’t feel understood. I am not judging whether what she said, or my reaction, was right or wrong – just wanted to explain what happened.
Laura, I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing with us today and giving us a peek into your story. I’m reminded of the gift of “me too!” and am praying you are surrounded with that kind of encouragement. Grateful for you!
xoxo-Kaitlin
I feel that exact same way with community. It seems the closer I get to the people in ministry that I do life and leadership with, the more I set myself up to get hurt, bashed, or gossiped about and judged. Sometimes I feel like quitting church all together but then I remember how community saved me when I was at my lowest of lows and was dealing with depression and had no accountability. I remember how my friends constantly texted me with encouragement and exhortation. I remember how beautifully broken we all are and how we are just a bunch of sinners trying to chase after a perfect love. And then I remember how Jesus died for the church and how much he meant life to not be down alone or in solitude. I definitely have figured out throughout the years that I need my quiet time with God to fill up, but to give up on my church family would be mistake. If anything, it has shaped me and molded me into who I am today. It’s allowed me to learn how to forgive, restore and experience reconciliation in my life and those gifts I could never replace.
Rebecca, thank you for this post. I am also a mother of adopted children, 2 boys. I feel so comfortable at home, isolated from the world, away from those that would judge me because of the often inappropriate behavior that our boys display in public. It’s been a difficult journey for us. But I also know that community and fellowship brings so much good into our lives. I need to remember that because I tend to pull away too much.