[Together as a She Reads Truth community, we are reading through Ephesians. Sign up for the reading plan here!]
Text: Ephesians 5:21-33
Let us go back and read verse 21 together, the last verse in our previous section of Scripture:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (NIV, emphasis added.)
We live in a fallen world. The Bible tells us that we are made new through Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 2:5), yet we will still face trials and temptations (James 1:2-4). Paul talks about three specific points in the next three sections of scripture: marriage, parenting and the workplace. It is not until Christ returns again that we are fully sanctified, and it is important that we remember that Paul gives us guidance in response to our broken humanity. I am covered by God’s grace daily, but I still have the opportunity to sin, and often, I do. So as we look at these three areas, I don’t want us to dwell on the fact that we are not perfect, but we need to remember that we are not living in Eden. Our brokenness is not a picture of perfection, but to understand the curse, we need to understand the blessing. I want us to focus on Him, the inheritance we are promised, and grace that covers us every time we mess up.
Paul begins this passage speaking to us as women and wives: “wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” (v. 22) I believe that Paul’s advice is a direct response to our brokenness: teaching us to choose sacrificial love, as Christ loves–and died–for us. For if we look at the blessing given to Adam and Eve (Genesis 1:28), they are told to subdue and rule together. The curse, in Genesis 3:16b says “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” (NIV)
Paul goes on to command the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Let us remember Christ gave up His life for us, the Church. (v.25) If we look at the curse given to Adam, Eve is nowhere to be found, but instead the curse is focused on the work and toil set out before him.
So what does this mean for us as wives? As husbands? How can we bring our marriages closer to His created design? How can we, through Him, overcome the curse? How can we choose to love the way He loves: making choices to submit and sacrifice, not control.
Women, our tendency can be to control our husbands, and we need to learn how to become a helper for him. (Genesis 2:18; John 14:26) That word “helper” is not some small, backstage role. It’s the same word God uses in Exodus when he says, “I am Israel’s Helper” in parting the Red Sea and causing manna to fall from heaven! In other words, to be a helper is to be powerful and strong. God is saying in Genesis 2 that he’s created a helper for Adam who is strong and has abilities in ways that he does not.
And for husbands, the tendency is to turn away, to focus on career, to focus on providing. But that is not God’s design for marriage. Husbands must turn back to their wives and family, a love that is characterized by Christ’s love for us.
In Christ, a husband’s headship is characterized by becoming a servant and submitting to the needs of his wife, to foster Christ-likeness in her. A wife willingly submits to her husband’s lead in serving her like Christ, as she desires to be more conformed into Christ’s image. There’s a dynamic at play in the marriage relationship: equal and complementary.
- As women, married or single, how do live out being a helper?
- Take time to look at ways you might be trying to control your husband or loved one. Ask God to reveal to you how to let go and help instead.
- Jesus, through His death on the cross has overcome the curse and made us new. His example of humility and sacrifice is why we have the freedom today to submit to one another, out of reverence for Christ. How can we submit to one another in our every day lives?
- This section of scripture might be very painful to read: perhaps you are in or have had a relationship or marriage that is characterized not by sacrificial, Christ-like love, but abuse and control.
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44 thoughts on "godly marriage"
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I am in a troubled spot. I feel as though I have been a decent wife. Yes, I am not perfect. However, we got along fine, and although I had a say in most things, the final decision was up to my husband. He recently mentioned that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married again. We are attempting to get on a waiting list for Christian marriage counseling. I’m not sure however that we have ample time. I’m terrified and broken. I’ve been crying to God for days now, and looking for scripture I’ve only found less specific verses. How can I best pray for my husband and I? What are the consequences of divorce (God Forbid) when I am adamantly refusing divorce?
Passages like these are a little difficult to read, simply because I am a woman who does not entertain men. Wives submit to your husbands, husbands encourgage your wives, but those specific roles don’t exist in my relationship. Yes it may no be right in the eyes of God. Yes I think about it from time to time. Yes I believe in deliverance. And yes we all sin which is why The Word says ‘for all have sinned and fallen short the glory of God.’ I love God. I love everything He has been for me and everything He has done to me. I am not worthy. I’m no more or less worthy than they next person. However despite my thoughts right or wrong I still embrace God to maintain a relationship. When reading this passage I thought about the time my pastor was preaching it in a sermon. It was in such a way that I didn’t think it applied to me. I left. I don’t want to be poor soil. So I read it through and I see more than specific wife and husband relationships. Just like when reading about the seeds in soil we see more than a farmer and seeds. I love who it have become through God. If anything about me must change I know he will do it. I believe in Gods power. Thank you Lord for saving my soul #Amen
How hard is it to submit to someone who submits to Christ? That is the key is it not? If I am guided by the Holy Spirit how can I go wrong? Jesus loves us so much that HE’s died for us. I do not need to be in control (as if I really am anyway). I just need to follow Jesus. Loving Him, I love & respect my husband.
Very pretty
I am very much blessed to read the message from ephesians-521-33.Your blog has spread the message of Christ in just one-click .Anyway thanks for posting this article. Its really praiseworthy as its passing true message to all the followers of Christ.
Interesting thought my pastor had: the woman’s role is to be the catcher…she is the reciever of the mans giving (the man being the pitcher). Lead in your character and adorn your spirit. Read proverbs 31:10-31 this gives you a wonderful picture of how all our deeds and service to our husband allows him to give to us.
Ashley –
Ive struggled with controling my husband as well… wanting Him to step into the Godly role of husband that I desperately need him to be.
I highly recommend the book “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian
As well as Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs.
Both toich on different subjects, but are very applicable to what yoube described, and theyve allowed me to grow into a wife who is (only by trusting in and leaning on God) more submissive and who is learning to help her husband and honor him, rather than driving him away (from me and God) with nagging and a controling attitude.
One thing to remember girls -only when you make a choice to submit to, honor and respect your husband (even when you dont agree with his decisions or dont think he deserves your honor and respect) unselfishly, the way God calls you to – He WILL bless you for it. And it will bring fruit, in Gods time.
Good luck ladies. If youd like to talk further – you can email me at [email protected]
Ashley, Jimmy and Karen Evans, have a tv show (Marriage Today) plus wrote several books; please check them out. I hope some of their material helps you and your husband. Remember, to be patient while you wait to hear from God as well as pray without ceasing.
Glad to be In the family of God
This lesson is really good for those who have “normal” marriages. But what does a wife do when her husband is married to his job? Don’t get me wrong, he has a very stressful job running a manufacturing plant 24/7. Any discussions that I try to initiate, he gets agitated and says he’s doing it for our future. I know without a doubt that he loves me but my heart and soul needs that attention too. I pray a lot and Im asking for your prayers as well. Any advice??
I have the most trouble with this passage of scripture. I frequently call submission the “s” word. So much to say here but i struggle with trusting men. Many hurts and letdowns starting with my earthly father which skewed my view of my heavenly Father. I really appreciate all the previous posts. So encouraging to know we’re on this journey seeking Him together.
After 32 yrs of marriage, ladies, l can say there are definitely always highs and lows. Since my husband still has not accepted God’s grace, I have issues with Submission. Until I read a book on relatioships. Men are wired differently than women. We females need love, while men need respect, hence the truth behind submission. By submitting, we are recognizing their need for respect, which builds them up and allows them to be better husbands and fathers. Once I understood this, it became far easier to back off and not take over. Hopefully, this might help someone questioning this bible verse.
This has been a hard area for me as a newlywed (about 2.5 years married). I’m type A personality and my husband is type B. I’m not happy with the way some things are in our marriage and I’ve expressed my desires and waited hoping that he would take the lead without me leading(in my mind controlling) the areas that I want changed. I’m struggling because I desperately want things to change but I want him to fulfill the roll God intended him to as a husband. So I’m reminded that I need to pray daily for my husband in these areas. Whew, marriage is hard! (A huge blessing and worth it, but hard)! Any advice on praying for your husband?
As I read “take time to look at areas you might be trying to control your husband…” I thought of things like, speeding time w our son, helping around the house…oh wait I do it in All areas. It is such a struggle for me as a woman. I pray God SHOWS me ways to let go & help because I find myself justifying my control as help. Only God can do this through me so I need to surrender daily…or maybe more like every second because my flesh desires control & Satan feeds on my desire for that. Lord I raise my white flag & surrender again & again & again…amen!
How am I to be as a wife when my husband doesnt believe. He was raised jewish but takes on agnostic. Basically his actions are not Christlike or even Godlike no matter how he tries to say differently. And now being told not to worship or pray in the home….my mom told me not to speak outloud but do in hopes he will see and want better. God does not want divorce and me being married 3 times now I understand more of why.
Hi Jessica – could I get your email address? You can email me at Kacia {at} coconutrobot.com
I find myself 2 years into my marriage and my husband says that he “doesn’t fully believe” in God anymore. He felt forced into believing at a young age. I don’t fully understand what God is doing/allowing to happen, but I do know that submitting (or serving) my husband by not nagging him about church has been hard but fruitful. By submitting to his needs, I feel as though he is able to take this journey and make his decision (hopefully to follow God) on his own. In return, I’ve never seen him act so godly in our marriage-serving and caring for me-despite the fact that he currently “doesn’t believe”.
As a wife of 2 years I can openly admit that submission is a hard hard thing to do. In today’s society the independence of women is greatly encouraged and so women begin to think they don’t need a man to do what they can do for themselves. I admit that for the last two years I’ve been struggling with this principle and my husband has been pulling away from me because of it until recently. God spoke to my heart and commanded me to return to him and to humble myself before him. It hasn’t been easy. Staying in the Word and in peace and following my husband’s lead but I love the twinkle I see in his eyes when he looks at me which is something he hasn’t had In a long time. Sisters I encourage you to submit yourselves to God so that it will be easier to submit to your husband.
I recently started reading #shereadstruth and I am so blessed by the amazing power of God's word. Thank you for putting this together.
FWIW I was a super independent single lady and am still a pretty independent married lady. For the single independent ladies out there: I don't think you should worry about submitting when you get married. It wasn't really a problem for me because my husband was such a close heart friend to me when we were dating (and still is). I didn't worry about loving my friends sacrificially so the idea of sacrificially supporting my husband made sense to me as well. Women are SO good at helping. We love to support those around us and when we are close, really heart close, with the men in our lives, I think submission can come out as an overflowing of that deep love.
I actually love that you saud this because I’m single and independent but one thing i’ve realized about myself is that i like being in control of everything. But now after a series of unfortunate events i’m starting to realize that I just have to let go and let God. so now i guess u couod say i’m going through character building.
I ditto the independent single lady comment. Thankfully God has started working on me on this.
I appreciate the journaling idea I will definitely start doing this.
Cynthia
Does any one know the word used in the Greek for submit? This is something I've been struggling with as a single woman, who cringes at the word. What I've found so far is that there are two meanings to the Greek word: under the command of, and under the service of. Paul is instructing us to be imitators of God. My thought is that Christ didn't walk on earth as a commander bossing or controlling others, in the military way the word implies. He came as a servant to others. And maybe that's all Paul is trying to tell husbands and wives. I'm still working through this, but "under the service of" is a kind of submission that I can understand.
I have a couple of thoughts. 1. When a marriage is performed as Christ is the head man and woman yoked together, the woman is usually given to the husband by her father or another family member to be wedded. Thus leaving the home and cleaving to the man.
2. God is good always. Ladies I gave been married for 20 years, the first 16 was in an abusive relationship. The same man I am married to now loves the Lord and leads our home in accordance with Christ as the head. Submitting to your husband does not always mean they are correct. It means to love them as Christ loves us for however long that is. I am not saying to stay in a violent home, sometimes and in my case there was prison time for both of us. What I am saying is if you trust in the Lord with all of your soul, heart, and might, Christ (truth and light) will prevail.
I think a lot of times the hairs on the back of our necks start to raise, and our fists clench when we here the word "submit" or references to this passage in Ephesians. But when we think of the ways we submit our lives to Christ (or want to submit our lives to Christ – so often we fall short, Praise God we are covered by His grace), it "softens the blow." I think a lot of times the reaction has to do with our desire for power and control. I looked up synonyms for submit and came up with acknowledge, agree, defer, give ground, lay down arms, relinquish. To me, these really speak to us laying aside our desires for power and control, not seeking fights, being a Helper, rather than a fighter.
I also think its interesting that Paul has much more to say to men about how to be proper husbands, to cherish, nourish and love their wives. (as Christ has done for us)
I agree. Oh boy the reactions of my mother in law and sister in law that we had the word submit in our wedding vows! They don’t or won’t understand.
Thank you for todays reading and study. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and I had a real struggle in the beginning of our marriage with control, even though I wasn't a controlling personal as a single woman. I think my problem is I just want things to get done, when they need to get done, and my husband is a pretty lax person. But lately I feel I have been doing better with not controlling him, but being his helper, but I still slip every once in awhile. So I am glad for this reminder today and I just always need to be thinking of HELPER every time I try to be CONTROLLER.
Being a single independent girl who literally does everything for herself and sometimes doesn't know how to let others help me, I often times wonder what a marriage would be like for me? Would I be able to let me husband be my helper? This is such a good reminder from God.
Coleen, this is what I was like! So hard to go from doing everything for myself to letting someone help. Not saying it led to the downfall of my marriage (there were other things involved) but it was difficult! Money was so hard for me to "let go of". I had worked hard for my money and it was hard to let a husband share it! Still is a sore spot for me so I know God would have to work on me lots more if I was to ever get married again (LOL! I am 60 so not expecting anything!)
Laura’s comments could very easily have been my own! My prayer is that my marriage would become a more accurate reflection of God’s love for us … and that my love for God would overflow into the love that I have for my husband.
StephanieR-
I think it might have been a cultural thing. The husband was to leave his family and prepare a home for his wife.. So he left his father and mother to be joined to his wife.
Joy – I think the difference is our heart when we are talking to our husbands. We know our tone when we are nagging. Plus nagging comes from a place of control (forcing them and bugging them to do something or not do something). We have to remember to trust out husbands but more importantly trust the God in him. Help him by encouraging him… But ultimately we cannot change out husbands.
– i have been thinking and praying about submitting to my husband a lot lately since reading a blog post last week. One of my pastors preached a series on women (and i believe is writing a book now) and he mentioned that the husband is not the head to rule and dominate over the wife but to uplift just like Christ did. We, as wives, need to pray that our husbands learn this as we continue to submit to them. Submitting to our husbands gives God the glory.
All the single ladies- pray for this in your future marriage now. Pray that you will learn what it means to be a Godly wife and learn what.Godly submission looks like. Pray your future husband gets revelation about what a Godly husband looks like and that he will learn how to be a spiritual leader for his family. I started praying for my husband when i was 16…. Started journaling to him when i was 21…. Met him when i was 23 and now I am 25 & we have been married for one year. (:
StephanieR. I heard an interesting thought on that. The command that a man is to leave his father and mother was given to Adam and Eve. As they had no parents perhaps this is more and admonition to parents with grown children. Perhaps telling them to let go as their children get older.
I struggle so much with this. Where does helping stop and nagging start?
Joy, that is an interesting thought and I have never heard that. I know men are often said to be "mama's boys" but you never hear of "mama's girls"! It is hard to let your children go and I always worry about mine but the Bible says grandmothers are a welcome part of a family's life and are to help with spiritual growth (see Titus 2:4-5). It does say they are to teach the wives to love their husbands and how to keep a home.
I think we need to ask ourselves this question before we speak to our husbands–will it build him up to be more Godly? or am a building myself up to look better?
I am not married (divorced) and there is so much I could have done different in my marriage so I am learning these hard lessons to be that Godly "older woman."
I know this is has nothing to do with religion necessarily, but back then once women "come of age" their parents present them and "put them on the market" to be married. So the woman has already left her parents because they put her out there. Just a thought!
Okay, throwing a question out here! I understand God says for a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they become one. Why does the Bible not say the woman is to leave her mother and father? Is it a cultural thing or does the woman learn from mother and grandmother and is free to do so? I am doing a Bible study by Elizabeth George called "A Woman after God's own heart" and she seems to indicate a woman learns her Godly ways from her mother and grandmother (as she is suppose to teach her children). So she is free to savor these relationships but a man is to leave his parents. Just a thought because this is where my brain goes!
Culturally, in our society today, this rubs people (especially women) the wrong way…. But submission does not mean being a slave in the kitchen and being a doormat. It does go both ways…. Surrendering to The Lord to guide us and lead. For the husband to love the church like Christ does… That exhibits submission and sacrifice too.
I find that it's often "easier" for me to let my husband lead in big ways, though the small decisions seem to be the ones I'd like to control. It's easier for me to let him decide our big picture plans than it is for me to speak to him in a respectful tone over a simple conversation. The fall does effect us all, but praise the Lord we have hope in Him and the power to obey by His grace. Praying that our marriages would indeed paint an accurate picture of Christ and the church to the world that is watching.
Totally like this! When it's time for big moves, I move out of the way and let him lead, but in the smaller things I do NOT submit (But I do in the big things…isn't that enough ;-) God gently reminds me that He wants my heart and for me to trust Him in everything, even giving up the control of having attitude problems when I don't like how my husband handles a situation! God doesn't need my help in molding my husband into the man God wants him to be. So again, I'm moving out of the way, relinquishing control and giving it to my Father. The Christian walk is such a journey, a marathon. Some days are good, some days are hard, but if we keep our eyes on the prize of Jesus, it seems to keep everything in the RIGHT focus!
Meredith and Laura – I totally agree! The big decisions are so easy, but the little ones are so hard to give up…or even be willing to compromise on. So, so many times I catch myself after the fact and realize that I just totally ran over my husband and didn’t even ask or listen to his opinion/request. It makes my heart sad, but praise The Lord for his grace and for a godly husband who gives me grace too!
Alesha <3
This really spoke to me as a newly wed. My husband and I are working towards the newness of marriage and I need to learn to surrender control and have faith in him.
goodness, it's such a journey! I've been married 2.5 years or so, and I think it's a never-ending learning process. I don't think I understood it fully coming into marriage, and I don't know that anyone really does. But I do know that we as wives are *learning* to be wives, and our husbands are *learning* to be husbands. It doesn't happen automatically and that was the hard part for me! :) But daily submitting to Christ first, allows me to submit to my husband and really respect him like Christ has commanded. That's what helps me not be so controlling!
I always struggle with this part, being the girl who loves control. It is so true though, marriage is about equal devotion, neither husband or wife should be in control, both should be serving God. Thank you for sharing.
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Sarah <3