Years ago, I was a sometimes anorexic, but mostly bulimic, church secretary/Bible-college student/pastor’s wife. Wow, that reads pretty rough, even now. Then, on September 10, 2008, I called my pastor-husband from a Starbucks parking lot and told him I was going to die. Exhausted, I’d just ordered a double espresso so I could sit up straight, but then my heart began beating too fast. I kept looking at my eyes in the rearview mirror, wondering why the whites of them looked so gray. Actually, they’d been looking gray for a while.
Up until that point, being dysfunctional with food was my secret life. I’d always thought of myself as an honest person, but I was desperate to hide my secret—so I became deceitful. Nearly every waking moment was spent lying and then trying to cover up the lies. Even at that time, I was familiar with every passage listed in today’s reading. I knew James 5:16 by heart: “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.”
But I couldn’t confess. I wouldn’t confess. I just wanted to be healed. I wanted the healing part without the confession part. Hiding seemed safer than sharing because I was convinced confession would bring the opposite of healing: humiliation, destruction, and ruin.
Still, God’s Word kept telling me that His kingdom was different. That keeping silent would brittle my bones (Psalm 32:3), but sharing would bring life, not death. God repeatedly led me to one verse in the Bible that I could find right now, blindfolded and upside down. It was like a weight hanging around my neck for all those miserable years when I was caught in this sin.
The one who conceals his sins will not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy (Proverbs 28:13).
I can’t really think about it without crying. Mercy. I’d never wanted anything so much, yet nothing felt further away. But on that September day, with the espresso and heart palpitations and gray eyes, I just knew something had to change. My sin and disobedience and hiding were going to kill me. With a sliver of surrender and a mountain of God’s grace, after three-and-a-half years proving I just wasn’t strong enough to stop on my own—I obeyed. I made a phone call to confess my sin and my struggle. First, to my husband, and then, to a counselor.
And I felt a release. I’m not sure of the exact moment, of where or when. Maybe it was there in my car, sitting in the Starbucks parking lot, my heart racing. Or in the lobby of the counselor’s office. Maybe I felt the release in my confession. The exact moment doesn’t matter so much. What matters is that God heard my cry and confession. He met me in my brokenness. His healing, however He chooses to give it, is always miraculous. It’s always a kindness and mercy.
I am praying that we are able to find freedom away from food pressures and diet culture. God has put some wonderful people here on this earth that have really opened up my eyes on the pressures put on women to be as small and thin as possible. Body confidence and intuitive eating is a great place to start :) Mary’s cup of tea (Instagram and podcast) & Jessi Jean (Instagram and dear body podcast) are my favorite!
Bethany Elza, I agree with you. The church tends to do this, confuse mental illness with sin and it is hurtful to so many. I agree that this person needed to confess to get help but this was mental illness she was dealing with, not sin. Either way, God healed. Praise his name.
These verses really spoke to me in a way I wasn’t expecting by the title. The loving and forgiving of others really stuck out. What do you do when you cannot get closer from a past hurt or friendship failing? Forgive. Love. I’m glad I’m on that road now and I’m happy to find myself actually wanting good things for the person. It took a long time to get here. There is such freedom in forgiveness and confession. The moments I feel most loved by husband or God or a friend is when I finally share something I thought they’d hate me for, and they so graciously forgive me. Not holding back but immediately giving me grace. And I love returning the favor when I get a chance.
Amen! I was so encouraged by this devotional. The sin is in the hiding not what is being hidden in this case. I pray that we would all trust the Holy Spirit to do what He does best and that is to allow those who have ears to hear this word correctly. And if we feel that the message could be taken the wrong way, that we would be quick to pray that this would not be so. Thankful for this forum of refreshment and encouragement that is cultivated by you all ♥️
So sorry you went through that but look where it brought you and how many lives you have touched with your testimony. So proud of you for listening to the Holy Spirit and confessing your secrets. Thank you abs God bless.
We all have our secrets but I know from experience that it only hurts is and those around us to hide them away in our heart and not confess them and let them go.
wow, this was powerful. confession is something that we tend to skim over or I find foreign to do but definitely getting out of my pride and going to enter Christ’s throne of grace.
Lord help me
Sometimes I have thoughts so contrary to the thoughts a believer should have that the only person I can confess to is Jesus. Thankful for His mercy and grace❤️