On April 24th four years ago I got the phone call that no one ever wants to get.
It was a seemingly normal Friday, and by four o’clock I had already worked an eight-hour shift and just gotten back from a hair appointment. I had plans to hang out with my boyfriend and some friends later that evening and was looking forward to a relaxing weekend. However, that phone call changed everything and in a matter of mere seconds, my life changed completely.
At about three thirty that afternoon, my little brother had been over at a friend’s house and had accidentally shot himself in the head. Now I know what you’re thinking because I have thought the same thing over and over — how do you “accidentally” shoot yourself? Well, his friend happened to have a loaded gun laying on the coffee table at his house. They were watching a movie on TV when my brother picked up the gun to look at it. It exploded in his lap. He was only nineteen years old, and two weeks away from graduating from high school.
I remember screaming while driving ninety miles an hour to the hospital. Things like this just didn’t happen to families like us. We were just so…normal. And where was God now? Where was He when that gun went off, when my mother had to learn over the phone on a business trip that her only son was now dead? Where was He when it physically hurt to breathe and when I wanted to just go to sleep and never wake back up because my life had turned into a nightmare? It wasn’t fair and it didn’t make any sense at all.
I remember with such clarity the doctors asking me if I understood what was happening and that John was going to die. I remember right after hearing that and racing into the hospital bathroom, gripping the cold sink with my hands, asking God why He had forsaken us like this.
But you know what happened next? I looked up into that bathroom mirror and felt the most intense feeling of calm come over me. In that completely broken moment, I felt God lay his hands on my shoulders and tell me that no matter what, He would never leave me and He would NEVER forsake me. Even now. Even in this. Right then, I accepted the fact that John was going to die but that I didn’t have to face it alone. For when we are weak, He is strong and He would see me through this because that’s the promise He makes to us.
I’m not going to lie, the days and weeks that followed were the hardest of my life. They were also when I felt the closest to Jesus. I started to listen to Him….really listen to Him. Going back to Church was incredibly painful after the funeral so I took a break, but immersed myself in scripture and conversation. Just three months after John died, I had the opportunity to go out to California for a job interview that I was urged to apply for by my boyfriend at the time as a way to take my mind off the painful events of the previous months. And believe it or not, it was there that I met my future husband.
I came home from that weekend in California and felt like God was urging me to take the biggest leap of faith yet. So, I broke up with that old boyfriend, packed up everything I owned in a couple boxes and boarded a plane to San Francisco. I was scared out of my mind. I had no place to live, no job, and only about two hundred dollars in my bank account. Looking back, I can’t believe my parents even let me go. It must have seemed completely crazy, but I knew God had called me to move.
The next six months that followed the move were very difficult. I lived in a tiny five hundred square foot house without any furniture in it because I was so broke. The guy who I was so sure God had told me would be my future husband and whom I broke up with my boyfriend for, wasn’t so sure he’d gotten the same message. We didn’t speak for months. I was lonely and homesick to the point of crying myself to sleep every night, wondering why God had called me here when it clearly wasn’t working out. Nothing was making sense in my life but still, I clung to God’s promise that He would be enough and that He would see me through this season.
Looking back now, four years later, I can see that time for what it was: a season. A season of loss, a season of brokenness, a season of incredible growth in the Lord. The guy who wasn’t so sure? We are getting married in May! God worked a number on both of our hearts, to say the least. I pray that my testimony can serve as an encouragement to you, whatever you’re currently going through. God is there — right there — no matter how hard things may feel. He will never, ever give up on you and has a plan for your life that far surpasses your own.
// Jenna’s Blog //
Thank you, Jenna, for sharing your beautiful story of faith!! I just finished reading in another devotion this morning that said no where in the bible does it say that "God won't give you more than you can handle". In fact, God gives often gives you more so that you can see what HE can handle. I have experienced a season of loss and a season of change and transition and found God right there in the middle with me everywhere I went 1:9. Thanks for your openness! Congratulations and good luck in May!!
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I’m very moved by this and so sorry for your loss. I am going through a temporary situation with a boyfriend that I thought was the one. We weren’t ready at the time and it was a bit of a disaster for us. We had both come from bad relationships and I was too needy and he was guarded and held me at arms length. I had and still have feelings for him. God intervened in our damaged relationship for a reason. It hurt, but in the process I’ve become involved in my new church and am starting a ladies ministry for abused/crisis survivors. My focus is on God now and His desire for me to help others in need of encouragement.
I feel that I’ll be reconciled with my boyfriend eventually, but now I’m preparing for something big!
God’s timing is perfect and I’ll wait for my prince when he’s ready. God is working on him too, he needs to heal and grow.
I know God has His best for us.
Jesus IS LORD!!!!!
Oh Jenna, your testimony is so powerful! I love how you remind us that there are "seasons" in life. I have been following you on instagram for a while when I saw you through Kate at The Small Things. I discovered She Reads Truth through you! When I read the devotion today and clicked on your blog link, I said out loud, "Oh my goodness, it's Eat, Live, Run!!!" Blessed by you today. :)
Jenna, thank you for sharing this beautiful testimony. I have been reading your blog for years now and remember this heartbreaking loss and the months that followed. I can relate to a similar period of breaking and being found again in Christ. There are no words except to say that He is so good. And it has been absolutely amazing to watch God hold you and bless you so much. I'm so happy for you and Adam, your book, and all the blessings that have come, I pray for you, and think of your life often when I feel called to take big leaps of faith that seem "impossible" on the surface. Thank you for sharing!
What an incredible story of faith "Be not afraid,I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest." No truer words have ever been written. Thank you for sharing – I needed to hear this today.
I’ve felt that “calm in the storm” when my mother almost passed away…I had to call family and tell them that it didn’t look like she would make it. Watching the sunrise the next morning, I had that perfect peace- when everything makes sense for a brief moment in time . That moment brought me to faith and belief in Jesus- that He IS with us!
That season passed, and many more and now I draw encouragement from women like you Jenna!
This is my season for tough changes. Your example of strength and faith is what helps me to
follow thru and take the first step of a giant leap of faith for my life. Thank you for blessing me!
Best wishes for your wedding, and your Happily Ever After!! :)
Thank you for your testimony! It has been very encouraging. Things in my life are so hard right now, but God is speaking to me and I’m comforted by the fact that I know He is at work on my behalf. I’m trying to be obedient and do the things He asks of me…even if it’s out of my comfort zone. By Him taking away I’m seeing the areas where I need growth and I will continue trusting in Him for clarity and direction.
God is so sovereign and faithful! PTL :) your story is so powerful and encouraging. I love your act of obedience that took each small step of faith and to see how God has been working in your life, going before you and also behind you :) wow. I'm in a season of life that is (different to yours) .. Definitely challenged me in many ways..especially asking God why this and that is happening in my life. But, now I reflect on all those events, God designed each and every little things that happened. He specifically fashioned it for me! I am so happy for you Jenna. I am sure God is so pleased too :)