It can be hard to truly grasp that a testimony often doesn’t mean a full-fledged life story, but rather the open acknowledgement of a particular fact. This fact in my life is my story of grace; the one that has always been true, but that I only truly first acknowledged a few years ago.
The beginning of the story is basically this: I have always defined myself as being a “good girl.” The girl who never drank before 21, who never had sex until marriage, who went to church every Sunday and who served on the leadership team at her church in college. All outward signs pointed to being a “good” Christian, but inwardly I was lost, confused and hurting. I was trying all the time to better myself, but never felt like any of it was enough. Luke 18:19 was totally lost on me: “And Jesus said to him, ‘Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.’”
Around the same time I got married I also moved to the Dallas area. My husband and I started to attend a church, and the hearts of the people there were clearly transformed by the grace of Jesus. For the first time I saw people who did not care about the right church answers, but who truly trusted and acknowledged God’s truth in their lives. I began to question motives in everything I did – was it for me, or was it to glorify God? The scary thing was the answers all lead to my own self-glorification.
No wonder I felt unfulfilled.
Fast forward a few years. My husband and I had suffered a terrible miscarriage, both of my grandfathers passed away, and the church plant we had poured ourselves into was closing down. I was pregnant again at the time, and scared every day that I was going to lose this baby too. I was working full-time and writing my blog religiously every day, in addition to active engagement in every social media medium you can imagine. I was exhausted and scared, and once again relying on myself to fulfill the desires of my own heart. Looking back now I was once again working to glorify myself, a mission that was yielding empty results. The desires of my heart were not in sync with the desires the Lord was placing on me (Psalm 37:4), and the struggle again that only exhausted me more.
I can’t pinpoint a specific turning point; God was using several relationships and instances in my life to gently guide me back to him. However, when my son was born I started to view the world very differently. It became easier to name evil for what it is and to stay away from things that suck the life out of me. I also realized that just wanting him to have a relationship with God wasn’t enough – my husband and I were going to have to live that out.
I started to dive back into the Bible with the amazing She Reads Truth community. Rather than trying to be “good” and do the right things, I saw once again that true fulfillment can only come from having a relationship with God and nothing else. If I really wanted to be happy I had to give it to God. I needed to glorify him. And I needed to acknowledge and accept the grace that He so freely gives – that he DIED for.
It can be hard at times to root myself out and allow God to plant the seeds of His desires for my life, but I find that when that happens are the times that I overflow with joy. I feel like I’ve finally begun to truly live! I know that hard times will continue to come, but trusting in the hope of Jesus and living Romans 12:12 (“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer”) are where my heart has found its new home!
// Heather’s Blog //
Thank you for your testimony and the reminder of our motives. Relationship is what God desires; He looks at our hearts.
You have made me remember the importance of why we do things; it is all for His glory!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us! It’s always such an encouragement for me to hear about how God works in others’ lives. Praying continual blessings for you and your sweet family, always! :)
Thanks for sharing, Heather! Great question to ask myself in regards to any action or activity I’m taking–Am I doing this for God’s glory or my own? Blessings, all! Good night!
This is such a powerful reminder that it's not by works, but by faith alone. It doesn't matter if we spend our whole life doing "right" if we don't have that personal connection with Christ. Great post, Heather!!
Thank you for sharing your testimony. It made me take a look at why I do the things I do for my church. For His glory or mine? I'm always quick to say when complimented on the work I do "He get the glory for my story" do He really? hmmm,
I have gleaned so much from She Reads Truth, my faith and knowledge has grown (I still struggle) however, not like before. Now because of the many testimonies, and Heather's I'm learning how to build my character and self image, which daily is being renewed! I desire to live a life pleasing before God fist, in doing so I know everything else will be added to my life by God.
Again thank you Heather for sharing your testimony, may God continue to bless all the works of your hands.
Lynda
I, too, was raised in the church, in a works-based church. I read today that for tohse raised in the church, it can be hard to recognize and be grateful for what god has done for us, and I think that's true. thanks for this.
Right on, Autumn Dawn Leader. I think what really matters is our pure relationship with God. Not what other Christians are doing. Not what other Christians think we should do. Not what any specific church tells us we should do. Not what our people-pleasing personalities falsely tell us to do. As Debbie wrote yesterday, being still & silent and just letting God be God to us… that's the place to be. I think it pleases God when we work for Him and serve for Him, but it's just way too easy to get caught up in the "doing" for God rather than "being" for God. I want to glorify Him by first being still and silent for Him – so that I can really listen to Him – and then let Him show me how He wants me to serve Him. And then go forward and act in His grace.
I am being totally blessed by this season of sharing in testimonies. I've been asked to share my testimony at a ladies event at our church next Friday and I have been putting off writing it out, because I really didn't know where to start or how to put it. It is wonderful to read each and every story and even though all the stories are so different, there is one constant – the Love and Grace of our Heavenly Father! Thank you #shereadstruth for what you are doing!
Praying for you to find the right words to share- remember God is in control and will use you to bless many just as these testimonys have!