Lifting the hammer up with both hands, I knocked the shelf loose from its fixed position. My screams had become muffled by the sobs caught in my throat, but through shallow breaths and clenched teeth, I made my complaints known and laid into Him.
I want my babies! Where are they? Why do You give them to me if You’re only going to take them away?
After our first miscarriage, I wept as I painted our bedroom walls, covering up the sunny yellow and replacing it with a controlled, subdued neutral. The linen closet received a welcome facelift and my wardrobe was purged, streamlined to a more manageable system for daily use. After years of unexplained infertility, I was told to be happy I’d gotten pregnant in the first place. Chin up, Buttercup. Let’s soldier on.
But this second miscarriage, four months later, was different. I felt utterly unhinged, untethered to anything. Forgotten. And so I drifted violently across the kitchen floor, from cabinet to cabinet and shelf to shelf, re-organizing and reordering, wielding a hammer and railing on my Maker.
Years passed, and I grew numb. Empty. And very sick, it turns out. I found myself in a neurologist’s office with a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. What’s more, my doctor discovered an anomaly in my blood work. An autoimmune disease and now an antibody—the doctor believed that together, they’d caused me to miscarry.
He may have been right. Three months into being on my MS meds, and without trying, I became pregnant with identical twin girls. I laughed out loud as my obstetrician pointed out two fluttering heartbeats on the ultrasound. I laughed, and I promise you, I heard Him laugh too.
Pain, loss, and affliction—I know them well. We all do because they’re a promised byproduct of life here in a fallen world (John 16:33). They come tangled up with joy and abundance and blessing. I’ve tried to extricate the good from the seemingly bad, but to no avail. They’re a packaged deal.
So while my dream of having children has been realized, and then some, I still have multiple sclerosis. Now, being well enough to keep up with our girls the way I’d always imagined is a struggle, a deep shame I do battle with daily.
This is my Ebenezer: my affliction, healing, and blessing bound together in a monument to Him and for His glory (Genesis 35:14; 1 Samuel 7:3–12). It’s here that I’ve wrestled with my God and have come to know Him face to face. I cannot praise Him and thank Him for our girls without praising and thanking Him for my diagnosis of MS. Learning to do so will no doubt take a lifetime.
He’s chosen to weave great joy into deep sorrow. This forces me to wonder if my affliction and physical limitations are somehow God’s kindness to me (2 Corinthians 12:5–10)—constant reminders that my body, this temporal world, and everything in it are fading away. Meanwhile, the eternal wages on, refreshed and renewed, out in the open air and light of His presence. “Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16).
Kara Gause is a content editor for She Reads Truth, happily residing with her family in Nashville, Tennessee.
This hit home for me today. I had a difficult miscarriage 3 years ago, which led to an autoimmune health crash and diagnosis of chronic Lyme disease. The life I knew slowly unraveled. Trying to treat Lyme has been a challenge of patience and endurance, and the emotional and physical pain can at times be unbearable. It seems that not only have I lost my baby, but my health, physical abilities, and activities I loved to do, as well. I still long to be a mother, but feel like it’s an impossible dream since I’m so far from being well enough to care for a baby. “But God…”
I know in my heart that all things are possible through the Lord and though I can’t understand it, I’m right where He wants me. He keeps me going and provides for my every need, even on the hardest days. He knows my heart, my longings, my hopes. He has everything under His control.
This study has truly been so perfect for me, and today’s story was especially encouraging. What a powerful reminder that our lives may not look how we thought they would, but God’s plan is so much greater than we could ask for or imagine. Praying that all of us in our affliction would experience His healing and restoration, even if it comes in a different way or at a different time than we expect.
Joanna — the details are different but have been there with the health crash and the hope of a baby that seems utterly impossible (our surprise impossible is 4 now and parenting through chronic health stuff is hard at times — but unless God intervenes there will only be one kid because chronic illness
Nadine, I’ll be praying for you, your mother-in-law, and all your family as you go through this hardship. ❤️
Churchmouse, my heart & prayers go out to you. Like everyone here, it is your shared heart I look for because you strengthen mine. God has blessed us with understanding through you more times than I can count. Thank you sweet Sister in Christ for being willing to share even through your pain. May the Lord bless you greatly and keep you tucked by His side.
My mother-in-law (whom I love as my own mother) was diagnosed with thyroid cancer just this morning. “Though our outer self is dying away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” I’m thankful for this community and this reading plan. The journey leading up to this diagnosis has been hard, but I am thankful for His faithful love for us—even in hardship.
When I finished reading and seen the art work for today tears filled my eyes of course. I just finished telling the Lord last night how broken my heart is. I’ve always loved this verse but just to see it first thing this morning in plain sight like that got me. Beautiful.
Caroline, Your broken heart is real and significant. Praise the Lord that you are seeing his reasons and growing in Him. He wants us close to him and because we are his he will remove what keeps us at arms length. He wants to be our first love he won’t force it but he will show us the way and asks us to follow. I will pray for you and your hurting heart. I’m praising him that you are his!
Caroline,
I am praying for you and that you will feel God holding you tight.
Churchmouse, I am praying for your heart. Continue to hold on and wait for the Lord. He sees you. He is right there with you in the dark. Know that you are never alone and so loved.