Reading the first part of this psalm took me back to when I went through the most prolonged and scariest health crisis I’d ever experienced.
My prayers during this season had many different colors:
“God, I’ve been asking you to heal my body for years and years…but now, instead of healing me, I’m worse than ever! I really believed that you’d heal me; haven’t I trusted you, Lord? Why is this happening?”
It felt like there was no answer.
“Father, did I do something wrong that I didn’t know about?” I’d go through an inventory of my possible sins that might be causing my suffering—“maybe if I get ‘right’ with God, He will make me better!” But no clear revelations there either.
Or I would for many nights go down the spiral of thoughts: “I can’t work; what am I going to do for the rest of my life? Will I be alone forever? Who would want to be with someone like me, always sick and miserable? Now that I can’t even be useful in society, will I even have friends?” There isn’t enough space to write out all the self-torturing thoughts that would only worsen my symptoms.
Then when I got too tired to say or think much, all I could breathe out was, “Lord, save me. Lord, help me.”
And to Jesus, that was enough.
During this period, His silence was (dare I say) maddening. The more I dug into Scripture to find the answers and solutions to my problems, the less I found. However, in my weakest moments, when I was vulnerable enough to finally say, “Just help me,” Jesus showed up with love and embrace so warm, deep and soothing. Although my body was still so inflamed as if it caught on fire, I sensed the most gentle and kind, yet grandiose and powerful Presence holding me and whispering, “I’m here. You’re mine.”
“What, Lord? Did you just say I’m yours? But I’m so pathetic!”
When I thought physical healing and getting back to “normal life” was what I needed the most, Jesus gave me what I really needed—to finally know that He saw me. And that I still matter even if, no, especially when I couldn’t produce anything, contribute anything, and looked and felt unworthy. Me? This holy and awesome God, who moves the earth and waters, would say this? Yes.
Perhaps, when He’s silent, He’s inviting us right into where He is. Quiet ourselves to His loving presence. Then we will remember who He is. He indeed hears us when we cry out to Him. His answers may come in ways we didn’t expect, but only He knows what we need most.
Written by Minnie Lee
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It’s called Held by Abby Wedgeworth
Hi Krystin,
I had two miscarriages prior to having my healthy baby girl and I also felt alone and confused and searching for God in the darkest of moments… there is no easy way to go through loss and I had to find strength in knowing that there was a greater plan for me and my baby and they had been called home sooner than I’d like but God was preparing me to be a mother to a beautiful baby in the future. I found comfort in a devotional specifically written for miscarriages… I’ll search and see if I can find it and post it for you. You are not alone and I’m so so sorry that you’re going through this !
Sarah
Love this. God is there for us and He knows best.
I have been pregnant since early august. At my 7 week appt, baby was so healthy and perfect. At the end of week 9, I went to an elective US and was referred to the ER as baby’s heartbeat was gone. I spent the weekend praying for a miracle. Praying through psalms, the story of the widow’s son in 1 Kings, and Lazarus. At my appt Monday, I asked for one more US bc I didn’t want to count God out like the drs did, but baby’s heart was still not beating. We have scheduled a D&C, but we left and I told my husband, we have one more chance. God can still provide a miracle. As I get closer, I feel like God is not there. I know He listens, is good, and hears, I just struggle with why he didn’t answer my daily prayers for a healthy baby leading up to this point. I don’t doubt that God can still perform a miracle, but I also struggle with wondering if He will give the miracle. I feel like thinking this way will cause Him to choose not to give a miracle if I’m not following with brave, unwavering faith, but I also know that sometimes God’s will is not what we ask for. I am really struggling with how to view my situation regarding asking for a miracle and not sure if it’s going to happen. If anyone has advice for how to view this situation when asking and hoping for a miracle, I would greatly appreciate it. I would also like to ask for prayers for a miracle and for peace and comfort during this time.
Needed a reminder of how important quiet time in the presence of the Lord is!!
This was beautiful and so relatable. I have been in a long season of discomfort. Amen ❤️
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